Coming back!!!

Yesterday night she sms’ed and said she is coming back on Monday and I felt like life coming into me again. Did I really miss her so much? I cant say. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Strange feeling. But, for the first time in my life, I wanted a person near me so much that all other things paled in significance to it. No matter it be the issues I faced at office or my plans at home. Nothing mattered more than wanting the person to be back soon. There is still another 1.5 days more for her to be back.

I just hope she is back safe as there seem to be a lot of problems at her place. Take care of her Lord! And help me understand myself and my emotions. My sis has started questioning me why I am so disturbed. How can I say that there are so many issues bothering me now? From Office to home renovation to my health and missing my dear friend. Oh God! Help me make a sense of my life. I feel being carried away in the drifts of this sea.

I am just wondering about all these!!!

Wondering!!!

I was wondering today why I am missing her so much. I shouldn’t feel like this. But, I end up feeling like this time and again. Every aspect of my life has been touched by her. And that’s the reason I feel I am missing her so badly.

And searching for a girl is becoming more difficult than searching for a diamond. I hope I really find a diamond. Even my manager was saying that why don’t you find a girl by yourself. I can find, but not all girls relate to me in a personal way. Since, I am professional with them – 99% of them think of me as only a serious professional. I can only unwind with a girl after some period of communication. And I am not the one to take extra efforts to impress a girl and get to know her.

Well, lets see. Life is not over yet. I dont have the person to share my feelings today. All this I can put in my blog or sometimes I do mail her. But, she will never know how much I am missing her. I was listening to Atif’s song repeatedly.

“Aaj dil dukha hai, tum yaad aaye”

That single line summarises how I feel when I think of her. Its ok Ranjith. Its the first time in my life that I am feeling like this. Have I really felt like this before? Let me think. No!!! I just cant recollect if I ever felt this strange for someone whom I hardly know. We know each other for only 2 months and it feels we have known each other for so long…..I just wonder…!!

Mast lines

I was feeling ki its been a long time that my dear princess came up with some lines from her heart. And finally my bad mood gave her a chance to come up with some lines to soothe my heart. I am posting it over here -

“Aaj tanhai me bahut rone ka ji karta hai,

Raat ke andhere me kho jaane to ji chahta hai,

par phir woh log yaad aaye jinke chehre pe muskaan ki wajah main hun,

to apne aasu ko pi gayiaur unke liye muskurane lagi”

She wrote it for me. What else do I need in my life other than such care expressed in as many words.

And she came up with another one to cheer me up -

“In tanha raaho pe chalte hue,

aapki yaad ne hume ek muskurahat de di,

par phir aapke chehre ki shikan ne usko gayab kar diya,

Hum to bas ab yahi dua karte hai hi humari muskurahat hume jaldi se lauta de”

Well, these days the feelings for her are very strong. Probably due to the stress at the office. I feel I want to live with her. I know it may not be practical to even think of that. But this stress at office is leading me to imagine a lot of things. And to get over it, I resort to my time tested techniques. . It turns the focus away from my princess and on to junk. I have even told her about this. How can I lay bare my soul to her? I havent understood. Would I do this with everyone?? I do not know.

I wonder what is that I am going through.

Wondering a lot!!

Well, Today half of the registration work got over. The other half is for tomorrow. I have been trying to take the suggestions of my uncle so as to build the trust that has been made low because of the fights that happened after partition. I have made sure that the document has visibility to both my sisters and my mother. People at home should be well aware of what is happening. Since, at my home its predominantly women, I give the maximum onus to them.

My work is pretty tight. I am actually in a post of bother. I have completed the work but some kind of feeling unsure in myself. Not sure why. I hope I test it well and give a very proper code. I have to incorporate my leads suggestion too. Let me do it the first thing tomorrow.

Actually, what has happened for the past few days is that people’s consistent chatter about the girl has caught on me and the mind went out of the way for the past 2 days. Its kind of generating possessiveness tendency which is very dangerous. I have known the girl for a very few days and already this mind is trying to spin tales. Come on Ranjith, how many more would you end up doing like this? See, she is an absolutely sweet friend. No doubt. Oh mind, listen! She is a good friend. She has her own life and desires and commitments. Don’t unnecessarily relate to her in a different way. Don’t get those desires of living with her into you. OK! Good….No matter what others say, no matter what passion you feel for her.

Until, I get a signal that she is really interested (which is again a desire you are putting forth mind). Come on! Why do you want to fall in the same well again. You have been getting plenty of allainces over the past 3 days. See, which girl you like. And get married.

The only thing that I desire God is to maintain this beautiful relation with this girl. Its tough to define. And it arouses a lot of emotion and passion in me. She has been the driving force of this relationship. Please help me stay calm and think clearly.

These were the things that I was wondering about. If I don’t put it here, the clarity is lost in the maze of thoughts that creep up in the mind. Sometimes, I feel if I feel strongly for a girl – should i tell her? If I want to tell her, what should I tell? If I am afraid that I will lose the relation, should I not?  All these things are somethings I wonder about whenever I see a girl and get attracted to them. These things are happening quite often these days.

Wonder Wonder Wonder

Hmmmmm, where do I start? The trip to Bangalore? Or how I feel after that? I think both are related. One cant separate one from the other.

I was so apprehensive about going to meet her. I didnt know in the first place if it was right and how I would be spending time with her. That was the first question. The second that was running through my mind was how are we going to spend 2 days, when even one day was kind of tough to think of… But, time flies by when you have someone as sweet as that person by your side… The 2 days flew by like 2 hours and before I could realise it, it was time to leave bangalore… I felt bad, but happy that I have cemented my friendship with that person.

I dont know if she really enjoyed the time with me, but I had a very happy time with her. There was not much activity, but the very presence of her was enough. It was a fun time to be with her.  I didnt expect anything from her, so it made all the more easy to relate to her. This was the first time in my life that I talked so freely to a girl and spent time with her without a single thought of getting into a relationship with that person other than being a good friend.

The second day had its set of surprises. She bought me dresses, which left a bad taste in me. But, it was her way of showing she cares…But, if she wanted to do it because I had spent so much time to meet her, then I would definitely be disappointed. I told her about my disappointment, but she said she wanted to buy me a kurta from long time and took this opportunity. Knowing her, I believe this. For, who can doubt such a pure heart.

And the most embarrassing part of the whole trip was she took it as a treat for me. And did all the spending. This was the first time in my life that I was being taken care by a woman less than my age and directing me in doing things… I allowed it, as it was more out of affection than anything else. I cared for her and she responded. Thats cemented our friendship. I dont know if I can have this relationship with any other girl, but one thing that I have learnt is that it is possible to be friendly with a girl without getting into a relationship. and the closeness can be amazing. Its not the physical closeness that I say here, but that you feel in your heart.

2 or 3 times during the trip, I felt a strong attraction to the girl, but i knew my limits. And I knew the relation we shared. I would have asked her something silly, but Thank God it didnt happen. I hope I keep my mouth tied for some time about this girl and concentrate on work. Help us share this relation and these feelings and these little nuances that make life what it is. Help us, Oh Lord, to be like such good friends all through our life. Even if I dont stay in touch with that person, I am sure that she would be one person I would talk a lot to with my better half. May be, I will name my daughter after her to remember such a sweet person. Only time can answer such questions.

But, we were brought together by destiny to learn from each other. Help us learn and show the way forward!! Just like her name, she brings music into others life. I have never been the same after knowing her. I hope I give her some semblance of balance in her life. I just cant lose the trust she has kept in me. Trust me and your trust will never be broken, let my heart lay aside, but the trust will never be broken.

Birthday blues

My lead was pushing me to go to Bangalore today. I told him, there is no reason for me to go and impress this little girl with whom I have been talking to. He doesn’t understand. We share such closeness on the mental plane which might be mistaken for a close relationship. I too was thinking in that direction until this relation with this girl opened my mind.

She is such a child at heart. I can only say that I feel like I am talking to my sister but a little more matured person internally. I told my lead that I am not talking to her to get into any relationship. I am talking to her because, it kind of stabilises my emotions when I am running high or low. I needed this because I was kind of getting desperate about alliances. This girl has brought sensibility to my thoughts.

I wonder why its always a girl who can make you think about things that you should know and that which your parents and siblings always say. I really wonder why men become like that??? I have got no answer being a guy!! Any answers anyone??

Think..Thought

When you think a thought occurs, or do you think because a thought has occurred. It suddenly confused me. Whatever it is we think and thoughts do cloud our mind.

Today, some of her friends pulled her leg and she was pissed off as they were relating her to me. What I dont understand is how can she like me other than have the respect and trust. I am actually past the age where I can commit myself to anything called a relationship. I feel happy to spend time in good company. I necessarily not get married. Thats what I feel. But sometimes I feel the need for a partner to share all my feelings. Currently, I can do that with this person.

I feel we were brought together by destiny so that I could learn something from her and she from me. I hope we learn what we need to from each other and let me maintain this relationship throughout my life. I really wonder about the ways of life!! Let me not at any point in this relationship make a mistake of considering her a partner for me. Please give me that forethought and strength.

The real problem is the strong attraction I feel towards her. It was there from the start, but work was able to streamline the energy. Now that the distance is greater, the attraction is stronger. So, going to meet her this weekend to reduce any unwanted feelings I have. Just kidding!!!

I really wonder why I named this blog like this. I still wonder if I will ever change and be the way i want to be!!

Stress n sher

I am getting stressed these days too much. We have a piece of work that might require SeeBeyond work and it is really out of my scope. I mean I do not know the nitty gritty of the technology and it was bogging me down. I kept wondering if I would be able to it and it put so much pressure on me. Finally, I talked to Preethamand he sorted out the problem that if it is not in my area we shall get someone else to work on it. Dont unnecessarily bother about it now. That was a reall goo piece of advice as it made me bring back my focus on to work.

And I have been interacting with my colleague in my previous team for 2 weeks now through sms and we share an amazing thought similarity. I really wonder if I should have talked to her earlier in the project. She is such a simple soul and trusts people – just like the other girl but this person is more open minded and frank in her thoughts. She understands her limitations and her constraints and still a little girl in her thoughts. Its wonderful talking to her.

Here is another one of her Sher -

“Duniya ki is bheed me hamesha khud ko tanha paya,

tumhari yaad main jab rona chaha to aanko me ek bhi aasu na paya”

Loosely translated -

“In this crowded world, I have always found myself alone,

When I wanted to cry in your remembrance, didn’t get even a single tear in my eye”

Terrific

Terrific – Thats one word that I can describe about what I experienced today. i was talking to another Gemini woman and boy, this Gemini woman was quite practical and quite frank. Amazing, why i am attracted to Gemini. Probably because of being a Libran.

I told her so many things about myself that I wouldn’t have told everyone. There is something about a gemini that makes me open my heart in front of them. I dont know how I will handle them if I meet them at critical times in my life. There must be a reason for this, I guess. Well, I am not interested in finding a reason!! I havetried finding a reason and have waste lot of time thinking about the other girl.

I seriously wonder why this attraction. Its beyond physical attraction, I guess. I should be able to regulate this. I wonder if I will really be able to?? i wonder if things are going to be smoother or still more turbulent. I wonder if I will ever marry a Gemini to experience this ocean awakening in me, every time I speak to them!!!