Wonder why??

I had a long discussion with the only love of my life. I am still not sure if she loved me or had any feelings. I feel so bad. Really worthless of living now. Really hurt, really low and really sad. I wont cry. Crying will make me forget that I really loved someone and that it hurts if you do it again. So, I wont cry. And I will never love anyone else again. I feel I made a big mistake. I dont know what makes her not to take risk in her life. I dont know if she has some bad experiences or its just her attachment towards her parents and relatives that make her take this decision.

I cant understand why. I dont want to understand now. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel bad. I dont want this to affect her. I will remain happy for her. She is a young girl and hope she lives a good life. And I really pray she is happy wherever she is. I am so much wanting to go to Indonesia now. I want to forget. For the first time in my life I loved someone and she just goes out of my life without any reason. Only if she had told me she doesnt like me and that she is looking for someone better, it would have made sense to me. But, she cant decide. She cant make a decision about her life.

She values her parents most. I know her totally and am happy to accept her totally. Accept her just like she is. Her childishness, her shortcomings, her anger, her indecisiveness, her parents, her relatives and her life. She thinks that since I am not from her place, it wont work out. Just because I donot know how to communicate with her parents. Just because we both are from extreme ends of the country. Would that be a reason? I dont think so. I feel she doesnt want this relation to develop. She is afraid she might go against her parents if it happens. She is ready to sacrifice choices for her parents.

It will take a long time for this wound to heal. I cant accept any other girl in my life. And I wont do justice to the other person. I will remain just like I am. I will learn to divert my energies to useful pursuits. And she will get married happily. And have kids. I didnt notice any sadness when she said that. Thats when I realised she doesnt like this relation to continue just because she is not interested. All the reasons that she gave me felt superfluous. Ok Ranjith. Your love is rejected for the second time in life. Dont love anyone. Be true to your friends. Thats enough.

I am not able to control my emotions. I wont allow myself to be carried away by this event. I never desired a family. And these 2 years of my life have shown that I dont deserve it. I really deserve to live alone for what i have done in my life. I have hurt so many people. I really deserve it. I am such a sucker. I should have known this would happen. Oh God! Why do I make these mistakes in life?

I am thinking how to get over this. I love her so much that I cant stop talking to her. I cant remain away from her. And I cant be near her. I cannot take her out of my life. And she wont be part of my life also. Hmmm, wish I lived my life all screwed up. I wouldnt have known these feelings. I really wonder what I am upto in my life.

Hurt

I didnt know till now that how difficult it would to get over a rejection. And in my case the rejection is very subtle. I never really loved anyone with all my heart. Now I love someone with all my heart and she doesnt think the same way. I am really not sure what is on her mind, but she doesnt feel that this relation can be sustained. Or she doesnt feel the same way about me.

I am hurt. I cant think straight now. So, I felt I will blog to see if I can get my thoughts right. But this has made me decide one thing – never to love anyone truly. Thats because you are prone to get hurt totally. Its hurting me at the very core of my being. Its hurting me totally. I have to divert my attention to work to get out of this. I wont be able to get off this alone. I need help. And I cant tell all this to anyone else. So, I am seeking out this blog.

The funny part is the first person I think for help is that girl again. She is a real sweet person. But its hurting. I wont be myself anymore, thats for sure. Atleast let me be the same with her. She has made my heart her home, so it will be very difficult to forget her.

I should have never allowed this to happen. Now, why did I? I dont know how this happened. I was careful from the very beginning about not getting hurt again. Why did I open up myself so much? Why did I love anyone so much? I should not. I should not have allowed myself. But I did. And now, I wont.

I better stay single all my life. I cant bear a rejection once more. Its not quite rejection – its like your life never gives you what you desired. When you find someone whom you love very much, the person thinks otherwise. I have not been so close to my family too like this. She knows more about me than anyone else. Have I made a mistake to love someone. May be yes. I wont do that. I wont repeat this mistake.

Its really a mistake to love someone truly and find yourself getting hurt. I never desired her. Did I? I loved her from my heart. For the first time in life, I loved someone. And life tells me, you are not worthy for it. Ok. I might have done wrongs in my life. May be I have to bear such things for that.

Who else will understand this pain. I am starting to act at work and at home. Who will know what I am going through. Why did I let this happen to me again? Why do I ever think about love? I should stay the same way as I was. Just be emotionally unattached to everyone. Thats the best way to lead this life. I think I should be like that. To love, to care and to feel is showing me a world full of pain. And I am the one who gets hurt the most in such cases.

I have to get over this now. No point stuck at the same place. I am hurt because I opened my heart to others. May be I should close myself to such things. Then I would never experience such things. I made a conscious decision in my life to open my heart and understand. But this hurts. Its hurting me as I write this. I dont know what to do and whom to seek help from. I am like a lost child in a crowded street! God help me!!

How can I???

Well, where do I start? This beautiful person had a lot of emotions that were rising from her heart and shared it with me. I could understand that and asked her to evaluate what she felt. Instead she has taken it as a guilt and has put on her mask now and acts ki that those feelings were uncalled for.

Actually, I am wondering how long in her life will she continue to deny her true feelings. She is going to do this for her sentiments and live a compromised life. I just sincerely pray that she be happy wherever she is. There is an overwhelming feeling in me to tell her not be like this. But, she has put on her mask for the world and will not be able to understand what I say. But I am sure, one fine day in her life, she will recognise this and will let go of this. But, I wonder when she will understand this.

I dont know why I feel like this, but there are certain subtleties that I feel are right. These are somethings that directly originate from the subconscious. Its only not understood by people in the same way as I see it. But, the overall point is the same. I am only afraid now that if I open up myself and share all my love to a person in my life, wont I get hurt? Wont I cry for someone who was unknown to me before, but feels like I have known her from time immemorial!! Its ok yaar, Life is always like that!! I am not going to stop loving just because I am going to get hurt. Where is the risk then? Where is the joy of getting hurt??

Pal pal pal

I wonder if Destiny brings two persons together (not necessarily marriage) to learn something important in life. I have been introduced to this person, whom I wont name, and we have so much in common in what has happened in life. She communicates her heart out to me and i respect that. I have vowed to keep the trust and I will till my life’s end.

Women all over india have taught me one thing – What it is to bear sufferings and yet bring joy to others lives? I might need to learn from them all my life. I spend hours chatting with this person via sms. We communicate whatever we feel at heart through this. But I am not sure if I can call her up and talk. For the only times we talked to each other during our previous project was to get technical doubts clarified and sometimes over lunch.

I wonder how amazing life is and what is it really trying to teach us. Below is a sher by her again – especially when I hurt her with my idiotic words.

“Riston ki is dor ko humne kitne pyar se sanjona chaha,

par ae dost tujhe humara pyaar bhi gawara na hua;

Aur tune is dor ko banne se pehle hi tod diya. “

Loosely translated to -

“With full love I was trying to build the friendship,

but my dear friend couldnt bear that

and broke it even before I could start”

When will I ever learn to make my heart soft to others feelings. Please teach me Lord. I really wonder again!!

Hurt

It wouldnt have hurt had I not loved/desired her. I am still questioning myself if it was a desire or Love that I felt for her. I never desired her physically. I had already accepted her as she was. I just wanted to lead my life with her. And I started planning my life with her too!! And now she hurts me by ignoring me completely like a speck of dust. It hurts, Oh God, it really hurts.

This makes me wonder – Why do we desire? And why do we Love? From where does this desire/love arise?