Wonder why??

I had a long discussion with the only love of my life. I am still not sure if she loved me or had any feelings. I feel so bad. Really worthless of living now. Really hurt, really low and really sad. I wont cry. Crying will make me forget that I really loved someone and that it hurts if you do it again. So, I wont cry. And I will never love anyone else again. I feel I made a big mistake. I dont know what makes her not to take risk in her life. I dont know if she has some bad experiences or its just her attachment towards her parents and relatives that make her take this decision.

I cant understand why. I dont want to understand now. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel bad. I dont want this to affect her. I will remain happy for her. She is a young girl and hope she lives a good life. And I really pray she is happy wherever she is. I am so much wanting to go to Indonesia now. I want to forget. For the first time in my life I loved someone and she just goes out of my life without any reason. Only if she had told me she doesnt like me and that she is looking for someone better, it would have made sense to me. But, she cant decide. She cant make a decision about her life.

She values her parents most. I know her totally and am happy to accept her totally. Accept her just like she is. Her childishness, her shortcomings, her anger, her indecisiveness, her parents, her relatives and her life. She thinks that since I am not from her place, it wont work out. Just because I donot know how to communicate with her parents. Just because we both are from extreme ends of the country. Would that be a reason? I dont think so. I feel she doesnt want this relation to develop. She is afraid she might go against her parents if it happens. She is ready to sacrifice choices for her parents.

It will take a long time for this wound to heal. I cant accept any other girl in my life. And I wont do justice to the other person. I will remain just like I am. I will learn to divert my energies to useful pursuits. And she will get married happily. And have kids. I didnt notice any sadness when she said that. Thats when I realised she doesnt like this relation to continue just because she is not interested. All the reasons that she gave me felt superfluous. Ok Ranjith. Your love is rejected for the second time in life. Dont love anyone. Be true to your friends. Thats enough.

I am not able to control my emotions. I wont allow myself to be carried away by this event. I never desired a family. And these 2 years of my life have shown that I dont deserve it. I really deserve to live alone for what i have done in my life. I have hurt so many people. I really deserve it. I am such a sucker. I should have known this would happen. Oh God! Why do I make these mistakes in life?

I am thinking how to get over this. I love her so much that I cant stop talking to her. I cant remain away from her. And I cant be near her. I cannot take her out of my life. And she wont be part of my life also. Hmmm, wish I lived my life all screwed up. I wouldnt have known these feelings. I really wonder what I am upto in my life.

What now??

“Unke yaadon me dhub raha hun,

ye bhi na pata ki kahan ho raha hun ghum,

bas un meethe pal ki yaadon me din guzar rahe hai,

bhul gaya ki dil ki bhi hoti hai koi dhun”

These days just her thoughts are making me more and more despondent. I dont understand what my heart is telling me. My mind says that this is not good, but my heart doesn’t want to listen. At these times whose voice should I listen. I just dont know how to explain this feeling. I havent felt like this before.

Wondering a lot!!

Well, Today half of the registration work got over. The other half is for tomorrow. I have been trying to take the suggestions of my uncle so as to build the trust that has been made low because of the fights that happened after partition. I have made sure that the document has visibility to both my sisters and my mother. People at home should be well aware of what is happening. Since, at my home its predominantly women, I give the maximum onus to them.

My work is pretty tight. I am actually in a post of bother. I have completed the work but some kind of feeling unsure in myself. Not sure why. I hope I test it well and give a very proper code. I have to incorporate my leads suggestion too. Let me do it the first thing tomorrow.

Actually, what has happened for the past few days is that people’s consistent chatter about the girl has caught on me and the mind went out of the way for the past 2 days. Its kind of generating possessiveness tendency which is very dangerous. I have known the girl for a very few days and already this mind is trying to spin tales. Come on Ranjith, how many more would you end up doing like this? See, she is an absolutely sweet friend. No doubt. Oh mind, listen! She is a good friend. She has her own life and desires and commitments. Don’t unnecessarily relate to her in a different way. Don’t get those desires of living with her into you. OK! Good….No matter what others say, no matter what passion you feel for her.

Until, I get a signal that she is really interested (which is again a desire you are putting forth mind). Come on! Why do you want to fall in the same well again. You have been getting plenty of allainces over the past 3 days. See, which girl you like. And get married.

The only thing that I desire God is to maintain this beautiful relation with this girl. Its tough to define. And it arouses a lot of emotion and passion in me. She has been the driving force of this relationship. Please help me stay calm and think clearly.

These were the things that I was wondering about. If I don’t put it here, the clarity is lost in the maze of thoughts that creep up in the mind. Sometimes, I feel if I feel strongly for a girl – should i tell her? If I want to tell her, what should I tell? If I am afraid that I will lose the relation, should I not?  All these things are somethings I wonder about whenever I see a girl and get attracted to them. These things are happening quite often these days.

Pal pal pal

I wonder if Destiny brings two persons together (not necessarily marriage) to learn something important in life. I have been introduced to this person, whom I wont name, and we have so much in common in what has happened in life. She communicates her heart out to me and i respect that. I have vowed to keep the trust and I will till my life’s end.

Women all over india have taught me one thing – What it is to bear sufferings and yet bring joy to others lives? I might need to learn from them all my life. I spend hours chatting with this person via sms. We communicate whatever we feel at heart through this. But I am not sure if I can call her up and talk. For the only times we talked to each other during our previous project was to get technical doubts clarified and sometimes over lunch.

I wonder how amazing life is and what is it really trying to teach us. Below is a sher by her again – especially when I hurt her with my idiotic words.

“Riston ki is dor ko humne kitne pyar se sanjona chaha,

par ae dost tujhe humara pyaar bhi gawara na hua;

Aur tune is dor ko banne se pehle hi tod diya. “

Loosely translated to -

“With full love I was trying to build the friendship,

but my dear friend couldnt bear that

and broke it even before I could start”

When will I ever learn to make my heart soft to others feelings. Please teach me Lord. I really wonder again!!