Hurt

I didnt know till now that how difficult it would to get over a rejection. And in my case the rejection is very subtle. I never really loved anyone with all my heart. Now I love someone with all my heart and she doesnt think the same way. I am really not sure what is on her mind, but she doesnt feel that this relation can be sustained. Or she doesnt feel the same way about me.

I am hurt. I cant think straight now. So, I felt I will blog to see if I can get my thoughts right. But this has made me decide one thing – never to love anyone truly. Thats because you are prone to get hurt totally. Its hurting me at the very core of my being. Its hurting me totally. I have to divert my attention to work to get out of this. I wont be able to get off this alone. I need help. And I cant tell all this to anyone else. So, I am seeking out this blog.

The funny part is the first person I think for help is that girl again. She is a real sweet person. But its hurting. I wont be myself anymore, thats for sure. Atleast let me be the same with her. She has made my heart her home, so it will be very difficult to forget her.

I should have never allowed this to happen. Now, why did I? I dont know how this happened. I was careful from the very beginning about not getting hurt again. Why did I open up myself so much? Why did I love anyone so much? I should not. I should not have allowed myself. But I did. And now, I wont.

I better stay single all my life. I cant bear a rejection once more. Its not quite rejection – its like your life never gives you what you desired. When you find someone whom you love very much, the person thinks otherwise. I have not been so close to my family too like this. She knows more about me than anyone else. Have I made a mistake to love someone. May be yes. I wont do that. I wont repeat this mistake.

Its really a mistake to love someone truly and find yourself getting hurt. I never desired her. Did I? I loved her from my heart. For the first time in life, I loved someone. And life tells me, you are not worthy for it. Ok. I might have done wrongs in my life. May be I have to bear such things for that.

Who else will understand this pain. I am starting to act at work and at home. Who will know what I am going through. Why did I let this happen to me again? Why do I ever think about love? I should stay the same way as I was. Just be emotionally unattached to everyone. Thats the best way to lead this life. I think I should be like that. To love, to care and to feel is showing me a world full of pain. And I am the one who gets hurt the most in such cases.

I have to get over this now. No point stuck at the same place. I am hurt because I opened my heart to others. May be I should close myself to such things. Then I would never experience such things. I made a conscious decision in my life to open my heart and understand. But this hurts. Its hurting me as I write this. I dont know what to do and whom to seek help from. I am like a lost child in a crowded street! God help me!!

New place

Well, finally my Mexico trip materialized and here I am in Tijuana, Mexico blogging from office. The trip was the lengthiest air trip in my life till now. I was on air for 24 hours. Its just the travel time. And the total time of the entire trip came to around 44 hours. Amazing experience in itself. I realised the need for catching up with essential sleep whenever possible. And the total time whenever I was not asleep, it was that sweet person who occupied my thoughts.

I dont for what we got to know each other but we feel such a closeness with each other that it is becoming difficult to think of anything else when she is on my mind. And the good thing is it never affects my work. So, I know its not desire but much more than that. She has brought the feeling of appreciating the small things in life which I never acknowledged.

When looking at the trip now, I felt that there was someone with me all through. I knew God was with me all through and I also wondered if she is my God now. Its just a passing thought. I saw the movie – Iron Man on that plane and it was nicely done. I appreciated the concept. And the air of Mexico is very much like India. Only the people and the language was a different and it is less populated. That gives it a big advantage in the fact that many of their cities can be planned. I realised that it needs to start happening in India too.

And I got good company all through the trip. Amsterdam was good in the sense that people there seemed to have a sort of self-discipline. May be thats a part of a developed country’s psyche. My country really lacks it and I can see that Mexico also lacks it. Its a bottleneck for growth.

My body is yet to get used to the different timezone. I was alone in Chennai and am alone here. But it is she who is giving me company with her thoughts and her childish statements and words. And the care she shows. She is a real treasure that I will experience all my life. Its just that wish to be with her always that comes up strongly when I think of her these days. Well, like she says always let me enjoy the life in the journey. Thats also sweet. Very sweet indeed.

The urge to change is high when around her.

I couldnt take many snaps while coming to this city as I was very very tired. I think Mexico offers a few options for vegetarians and I am enjoying it for the moment. I hope I get to know the various tasted of Mexico before the end of the trip. The people here are very friendly and just like India. Thats what I liked much about this place. I think the culture values also would be similar. I strongly feel that.

I have a lot to write but my tiredness is clouding my mind. I cannot put down to paper what i feel for her. We communicate without words about our feelings, so it shouldnt matter too.

Emotions galore

Ok. Today I became very emotional with the other person and was telling ki I want to see my relationship with her through out my life. I was not able to control myself and sent her sms which showed my emotional instability. She was mature enough to understand what I felt and gave me time.

I was pondering ki why did I over react? A similar sort of thing happened with my previous experience too. So, there was some flaw somewhere. I just had to put my finger to it. My friends had come but all the while I talked to them, I was wondering what went wrong and why am I like this? After my friends went, i took my bike for a drive in the rain. Atleast that would cleanse my thoughts…

On the way I was going through what I had done. Was it love or wanting to be in relationship with her or something else?? Couldnt get answers right away. On the way back, I felt ki from my early days I hadn’t known what was real love. I had undergone some abuse in my early childhood and that screwed up my emotions. I never revealed them to anyone. And I soon forgot about it. Externally I was a completely normal person but internally all my emotions were screwed. I really never understood them and never bothered to., as I was never expected to.

Now, when I first met a girl with whom I could talk freely, I completely misunderstood the relationship and spoilt it in six months. It took me another 9 months to get over the hangover. Now I know a girl who is far more matured emotionally and straight talking. She has helped me to understand certain feelings of my own. She has helped me realise that I am completely normal and she has helped me express my inner emotions. And what happened today?

The same old feelings raised its head and was about to spoil the lovely relation we shared. I liked this girl. Ofcourse, you like your friends. But to confuse that with a long term relationship of love was absurd. I messed up my feelings for her and suddenly she went silent. I knew I had made a mistake.

After pondering over, I felt that it was my fear of losing her that made me react that way. I felt that I may not be able to experience such care and affection in my life again and that fear triggered a set of emotions that went completely against what we felt for each other. I was almost indirectly asking her to marry me when in the reality, I knew this was absurd. But, I just couldnt control my emotions. And there are your friends and colleagues who always add fuel to the fire.

Why did this fear arise? It was because of lack of experiencing such love. The love I shared earlier was mostly based on responsibility and even if it was selfless, I never realised it as my heart was closed to such things. Now I am opening up and suddenly I am in an unknown territory with no help. And my emotions are like the wild horses that are just dragging me through the forests of this life. Fortunately, for me I found this person who is taming the wild horses to an obedient servant but with the same vigour. The horses are being given direction. I really thank God for making me know this person. Of course, I can never forget her jut like I cant forget to eat. Thank You once again Lord!! I would have never known what was in me if not for her.

And help us share this beautiful relation through out our life!!! I can quote a line from Kungfu Panda – “In life, there are no accidents!!”

Amazing

It was an amazing experience today with the person. Each one of us left our place on a walk assuming the other person was accompanying. I enjoyed it even though it was challenging to talk via chat all time. Not sure if my partner would bring in such feelings in me.