Emotions galore

Ok. Today I became very emotional with the other person and was telling ki I want to see my relationship with her through out my life. I was not able to control myself and sent her sms which showed my emotional instability. She was mature enough to understand what I felt and gave me time.

I was pondering ki why did I over react? A similar sort of thing happened with my previous experience too. So, there was some flaw somewhere. I just had to put my finger to it. My friends had come but all the while I talked to them, I was wondering what went wrong and why am I like this? After my friends went, i took my bike for a drive in the rain. Atleast that would cleanse my thoughts…

On the way I was going through what I had done. Was it love or wanting to be in relationship with her or something else?? Couldnt get answers right away. On the way back, I felt ki from my early days I hadn’t known what was real love. I had undergone some abuse in my early childhood and that screwed up my emotions. I never revealed them to anyone. And I soon forgot about it. Externally I was a completely normal person but internally all my emotions were screwed. I really never understood them and never bothered to., as I was never expected to.

Now, when I first met a girl with whom I could talk freely, I completely misunderstood the relationship and spoilt it in six months. It took me another 9 months to get over the hangover. Now I know a girl who is far more matured emotionally and straight talking. She has helped me to understand certain feelings of my own. She has helped me realise that I am completely normal and she has helped me express my inner emotions. And what happened today?

The same old feelings raised its head and was about to spoil the lovely relation we shared. I liked this girl. Ofcourse, you like your friends. But to confuse that with a long term relationship of love was absurd. I messed up my feelings for her and suddenly she went silent. I knew I had made a mistake.

After pondering over, I felt that it was my fear of losing her that made me react that way. I felt that I may not be able to experience such care and affection in my life again and that fear triggered a set of emotions that went completely against what we felt for each other. I was almost indirectly asking her to marry me when in the reality, I knew this was absurd. But, I just couldnt control my emotions. And there are your friends and colleagues who always add fuel to the fire.

Why did this fear arise? It was because of lack of experiencing such love. The love I shared earlier was mostly based on responsibility and even if it was selfless, I never realised it as my heart was closed to such things. Now I am opening up and suddenly I am in an unknown territory with no help. And my emotions are like the wild horses that are just dragging me through the forests of this life. Fortunately, for me I found this person who is taming the wild horses to an obedient servant but with the same vigour. The horses are being given direction. I really thank God for making me know this person. Of course, I can never forget her jut like I cant forget to eat. Thank You once again Lord!! I would have never known what was in me if not for her.

And help us share this beautiful relation through out our life!!! I can quote a line from Kungfu Panda – “In life, there are no accidents!!”

Lot to note down!!

Some of her creations -

“Rab se main mere jazbaat ko thaame rakhne ka sabar maangu,

is jehaan ko pyaar ki khushbu se mehkati rahu,

kuch log jo apne nazariye se is sab ko bura banate hai,

unki is nadaani ko nazarandaaz ka sabar ya unhe sabak sikhane ka jazbat maangu”

She wrote this after I asked her to write this. Someone had taunted her and was passing some comments on her personal life. She got pissed off and I had asked her to vent out her feelings through this. But by the time she wrote this she was already in a forgiving mode. So, I wrote one – a funny quote about how she would have actually felt at that time -

“Mujhe tang kiya aaj ek bandha a….h,

uski muh thod du – yahi meri khwahish,

aayega aur puchega mafi,

main bolun mere nazron me gir gaya – yahi hai kafi”

This is the anger she felt. I loved writing this for her.

Another one from her -

“Night has travelled its half way to give control to the day,

I am still awake waiting for my fairy mom to take me in her lap to let me sleep,

but i think she is busy taking care of someone else who is very dear to her,

she sent a message saying i am taking care of your dear friend,

so sleep well without my good night wish. Then I realised she,

is near you – so told her to take care of you and not to worry about me”.

One more -

“The darkness of night scares me,

Calmness of the night makes me feel very lonely,

Its coldness makes me feel that there is none to hold me close to his heart,

but then i closed my eyes and recalled all people who love me and care for me,

then night seemed to be inviting me to a dream world to meet those people,

you also come. Will see you there” – her good night wish.

Why?

Ok, Now after writing the earlier post, I had gone for a haircut. During that time, the only thought that was going on in my mind was why did i write the earlier post? Well, I wanted to see if writing down my thoughts provide me some clarity.

First, I like the person and do not want her to lead a life compromised. She should lead it to the fullest. Second, it might have been a very small time that we know each other but feel like as if we know each other for long and its just renewing some past acquaintances. Even when I met her for the first time, I had the same feeling. I haven’t felt it with many people. Third, we have shared with each other things that we dare not share with anyone else out of fear of either not being understood or being taken for a ride. There are certain things of your personal life that you never show it to anyone else. I have only not revealed one part of my life, that I want myself to forget, to her. Of course, I wont even reveal that to my wife.

Fourth, I have started seeing her as my support whom I can rely on at anytime. She understands, cares and suggests. Earlier, she used to give me solutions, now she suggests. That subtlety is something I love to see in a girl. Fifth, I feel so close to her mentally. I can feel like as if I can see her emotions that go up and down in her mind and heart. Its a feeling that cannot have any validation. God help me.

After thinking all these, I decided I should put it down here. For none should get an misunderstanding that I want a relationship with her. I do not mean that I never want. But just that we know each other for only 2 months and sometimes we end up making mistakes because our hormonal activity is strong and the resultant desire gets clouded as Love. I just do not want to make that mistake again. She is a mature person and she knows better. That’s why when it comes to emotions, I always let her handle that. I am too immature for that. But my only worry is she hides a lot of emotions. It was one of those rare moments the other day that she opened up and now she is closed. Her emotions are like the springs that you never know when the water can come??

I only ask you God, to show me the right path and help us decide what is best for both of us in life. I feel light now. Good that I decided to put it down.

How can I???

Well, where do I start? This beautiful person had a lot of emotions that were rising from her heart and shared it with me. I could understand that and asked her to evaluate what she felt. Instead she has taken it as a guilt and has put on her mask now and acts ki that those feelings were uncalled for.

Actually, I am wondering how long in her life will she continue to deny her true feelings. She is going to do this for her sentiments and live a compromised life. I just sincerely pray that she be happy wherever she is. There is an overwhelming feeling in me to tell her not be like this. But, she has put on her mask for the world and will not be able to understand what I say. But I am sure, one fine day in her life, she will recognise this and will let go of this. But, I wonder when she will understand this.

I dont know why I feel like this, but there are certain subtleties that I feel are right. These are somethings that directly originate from the subconscious. Its only not understood by people in the same way as I see it. But, the overall point is the same. I am only afraid now that if I open up myself and share all my love to a person in my life, wont I get hurt? Wont I cry for someone who was unknown to me before, but feels like I have known her from time immemorial!! Its ok yaar, Life is always like that!! I am not going to stop loving just because I am going to get hurt. Where is the risk then? Where is the joy of getting hurt??

Emotions

The last time I wrote here, I was on a high I guess – high on emotions and hormones. Some sense comes into me now. To think that I desire her itself was totally wrong. How could you Ranjith? You did the same mistake previously and repeating it again. Dont do it. Cherish this relationhsip. Treasure it. Dont think beyond what is not obvious.

Sher

This is a sher that my friend (doesnt want her name mentioned) wrote when she was in college -

“Zindagi ek raat hai, jis main na jane kitne khwab hain,

Mil gaya woh apna hai, Jo tut gaya woh sapna hai”

Loosely translated to -

“Life is a night, where we have many dreams,

If we realise some its ours, that which breaks remains a dream”

She is not very interested in continuing things. She does work that interests her and doesn’t continue it significantly. Has got quite a lot of interests and is slowly learning to deal with her emotions. She specifically told me to remove her name that I had mentioned.