Where do I start??  I am back to India and its a very different feeling. I have been living a very luxurious life there in Jakarta and its taking some time to get used to this life. I will manage.

Now, the main purpose of this is to post what my sweety wrote to me -

“aapki khamoshi le leti hai jaan humaari,

aapki kami rol leti hai dhadkan humari,

aapki saath se hi mukamal hai duniya humari,

aap sang nahi to jeene ki aas mar jayegi humari”

Hmmm, I just logged in to post the words that my love had to say -

‘yeh pyar bhi dil me ajeeb kash jagata hai,

har pal dilbhar ki baaho me guzarna chahta hai,

har lamha unhe pyar karna chahta hai,

na chahte hue bhi kuch duriya rakhna chahta hai’

‘jaan se bhi zyaada pyare ho saman,

saaso se bhi zyaada kareeb ho jaman,

kaise bataye kitna pyar karte hai,

shayad jitna chand apni chandni se ya machli pani se karte hai’

Well, I wanted to write this down because this is just going on and on in my heart. I love that person soooooooo much that I cant express in words. Whenever i try to think about that, I am overcome with so much emotions that I dont know what else to say.

All that I pray everyday is to live with her every moment of my life. All this depends on one central thing – approval from her parents. She has given herself to me and I have given myself to her. All that I want now is to hold that hand all my life and live together. To live every moment of my life with that person. I know we are totally different from each other, totally from 2 different cultures and from entirely different backgrounds. But I have loved that person and as I held her hand I prayed to God to let me hold her hand all my life.

I cannot imagine even in the wildest of my dreams to spend such moments with anyone else. I will better not marry if her parents disapprove. I will live alone and away from my family till all pressures settle down. I sincerely wish God does something and brings us together. I know we will have a tough time, but its those times that brings us very close to each other. And she is a young girl who is learning. And I will teach her and she will teach me. And we will learn all things together in life.

Swami, please help me lead my life with her. Help us make the best efforts and proper decisions in life. I only pray to you to show me the right path and help both of us get married. I see YOU in her Swami. She is my life, my God now. Please make her parents understand my dear Lord. Please do something that will bring us close to each other.

I really wonder how far this life and love has brought me. Swami, is this all your play??

“Phulo se pucha maine ke kahan gayi tumhari muskurahat,

Hawa se pucha maine ki kahan gayi tumhari mehek,

chand se pucha maine ki kahan gayi tumhari chandni,

sab ne kaha woh kisi k aane ki tayyari me masroof hai,

kisi k aane k liye hum sab itne khush hai ki khud ko hi bhul gaye hai!!!”

Some of my sweety’s creations -

“yeh zindagi itni bechain kyoun lag rahi hai,

unke saath kiitni chahat kyoun hai,

har saans me unki hi khushbu kyoun mehak rahi hai,

shayad mere dil me unki dhadkan hai jo mere pyar ki kashish ko aur bhi bada rahi ahi”

***

“raat andheri hai par saath aapke mere pyar ki cahndani hai,

raahen bhi mushkil hai par saath aapke har kadam pe mere rab se mili duayen hai,

Zindagi shayad kabhi tanha lage par saath aapke har pal me mera saaya hai,

Duriyaan bahut lag rahi hai par saath aapke hamesha hum dhadkan ki tarah aapke dil me rehte hai”

I feel I have become crazy about that person…I spend my entire day imagining things with her, talking to her and wishing she was near me. I am starting to see her in my life as part of me rather than separate from me. I hope God brings both of us together in this lifetime. I cant imagine a life without her.

I want to post all the shers that she sent me. I dont want to miss these. They serve as the oasis in this desert of life for me.

“Suraj ki roshni me chamak nahi hogi,

raat me chandni bhi roshan nahi hogi,

phulo ki khushboo bhi hume pyari nahi hogi,

yeh zindagi aapke bina shayad zindagi hi nahi hogi”

***

“Dur jaake bhi aap dil ke kareeb rahoge,

dhadkan ki tarah is dil me dhadakte rahoge,

muskaan ki tarah chehre pe humesha khilte rahoge,

zindagi me agar saath nahi to bhi meri har saans me aap hi mehkte rahoge”

***

“aaj ek khwab dekha,

usme khud ko aapke kareeb dekha,

is jahan ko humare pyar ki khushboo se mehakta dekha,

us khuda ko meri har dua ko kubul karte dekha”

***

“Har pal tumhare sang rehne ki kuch kasak uth rahi hai,

saari duniya ki khushiya kam pad jaaye tumhe itni khushiya dene ki chahat ho rahi hai,

duniya ki bheed se tumhe bahut dur le jane ki tamanna ho rahi hai,

ab to har saans sirf tumhare naam kar dene ki aarzoo hai”

Actually, I was wondering what to name this post?? What should I name it?? What I am going to write about? What I am going to put here…

First thing, that I want to out here is that the previous post that I wrote was so immature and inaccurate. I dont understand a girl and that was seen in that. I dont yet truly know that person in totality and that was the result. She is such a sweet person, sweeter than sugar and sweeter than the word sweet itself!!

We both love each other, thats for sure. She is really concerned about her parents and her extended family. So, I have decided on one thing. If we can convince her parents and arrange the marriage, well and good. If not, there are 2 options. If she really wants to live with me ready to make a sacrifice for a few months, I want to marry her and settle down in a new place. If she is not ready to take that step, I will lead my life in her thoughts. I wont be a Devdas of sorts, but this life will be for her.

I left my country and now I feel so much pain. She filled me up entirely. All my passions were regulated by her. Now when I am without her presence here, I feel misled by my passions. I wont let them take me away this time. I love her, really love her a lot. I want to be with her, through all things. I want to be with her through all good, all bad, all success, all failures and every season of this life. I know life wont be the same without her. And I already feel that. Oh my dearest, lets live together in this life…..

That remains a hope, a hope that I want to burn brightly and illuminate the path we might need to take. I now understand the meaning of love, what it means to love someone…

I had a long discussion with the only love of my life. I am still not sure if she loved me or had any feelings. I feel so bad. Really worthless of living now. Really hurt, really low and really sad. I wont cry. Crying will make me forget that I really loved someone and that it hurts if you do it again. So, I wont cry. And I will never love anyone else again. I feel I made a big mistake. I dont know what makes her not to take risk in her life. I dont know if she has some bad experiences or its just her attachment towards her parents and relatives that make her take this decision.

I cant understand why. I dont want to understand now. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel bad. I dont want this to affect her. I will remain happy for her. She is a young girl and hope she lives a good life. And I really pray she is happy wherever she is. I am so much wanting to go to Indonesia now. I want to forget. For the first time in my life I loved someone and she just goes out of my life without any reason. Only if she had told me she doesnt like me and that she is looking for someone better, it would have made sense to me. But, she cant decide. She cant make a decision about her life.

She values her parents most. I know her totally and am happy to accept her totally. Accept her just like she is. Her childishness, her shortcomings, her anger, her indecisiveness, her parents, her relatives and her life. She thinks that since I am not from her place, it wont work out. Just because I donot know how to communicate with her parents. Just because we both are from extreme ends of the country. Would that be a reason? I dont think so. I feel she doesnt want this relation to develop. She is afraid she might go against her parents if it happens. She is ready to sacrifice choices for her parents.

It will take a long time for this wound to heal. I cant accept any other girl in my life. And I wont do justice to the other person. I will remain just like I am. I will learn to divert my energies to useful pursuits. And she will get married happily. And have kids. I didnt notice any sadness when she said that. Thats when I realised she doesnt like this relation to continue just because she is not interested. All the reasons that she gave me felt superfluous. Ok Ranjith. Your love is rejected for the second time in life. Dont love anyone. Be true to your friends. Thats enough.

I am not able to control my emotions. I wont allow myself to be carried away by this event. I never desired a family. And these 2 years of my life have shown that I dont deserve it. I really deserve to live alone for what i have done in my life. I have hurt so many people. I really deserve it. I am such a sucker. I should have known this would happen. Oh God! Why do I make these mistakes in life?

I am thinking how to get over this. I love her so much that I cant stop talking to her. I cant remain away from her. And I cant be near her. I cannot take her out of my life. And she wont be part of my life also. Hmmm, wish I lived my life all screwed up. I wouldnt have known these feelings. I really wonder what I am upto in my life.

“chand ke saath jaise hamesha chandni rehti,

phulo ke saath jaise hamesha khushboo rehti hai,

is hawa ke saath vaise hi hamesha aapke liye meri care rehti hai”

Another:

“sitaro ki khubsurat si duniya me kisi ka intezaar hai,

chand ki chandni bhi kisi ka dedar ke liye betaab hai,

yeh thandi hawa bhi akeli tanhayi me madhosh si hai,

shayad sab aapke khawab ko sajane ke liye bechain hai”

Another one:

“Is pal me kuch khayalo ka sehlab ke aane ka ehsaas hua,

bahut khushi ke saath hi thode se gham ka ehsaas hua,

rab se unki khushi ki dua kar rahe hai,

dur hone ke saath hi kareeb rehne ki izazat mangte hai”