Posting my thoughts

Its been almost a year that I wrote anything on this blog. The reason was travel and living near to my love. When you are with your love, everything else in the world doesnt matter. All that matters is her and she becomes your entire world.

Now she is far from me, she is coming back. But this separation is quite killing. I have literally become a machine by focussing on just work and work to not get into a depression. To be loved is a blessing, to be separated from your love is a curse. Its been the toughest few days of my life. Those lovely moments spent together, wotn they come back soon.. Janu, love you a lot baby..

Another thing thats been taking up my mind when my love is far away is my concern for my country. I find this a little strange, because I was not bothered about anything of these till now.

My dear Prime Minister, Mr. Manmohan Singh, has insulted India with the stance taken by his Government with respect to US and Pakistan. While US has the right for pre-emptive strikes, it wont let India take that stance against Pakistan; for Pakistan is US ally in the war against terror. The real irony is that the homebed of terrorism is being used as an ally against terrorism.

And India miscalculated all those sweet words from US diplomats. Mr. Singh realised that all these talks would be the truth, but US has slapped India on its face by not granting access to David headley on the Mumbai attacks case. Why – Pakistan sentiment would be hurt for he would have revealed Pakistan Army link to LeT.

Everyone in the world knows India’s biggest problem is from Pakistan and when US treats India like this, our government says its not a problem at all. We will question them. Grow up, Mr. PM and Mr. Home Minister. Life is not as rosy as the cushioned sofas in your posh offices. Grow up, understand the anger that sweeps every Indians heart when an Indian gets killed. Would Oxford educated people ever understand the sentiment of a hurt citizen. Strange, I wonder.

And the biggest joke that Mr. PM is playing on this country is by making the nuclear bill passed by the parliament. All this to keep his name intact for he was the one who got it discussed and initiated. What more can you ask from a PM who pledges his country men life to some MNC and even wont hold them liable in Indias courts if any of their activity brings any danger to them. And if people die because of some mishap in the nuclear facility, you set a cap on the compensation – what rubbish. Thats the value you give to an Indians life? Is this what you think India is for – sold out to MNC’s. Instead of having legal actions against the MNC’s who construct them, all fault goes to Indias citizen. Is he to blame if he is near the facility or gets affected because of your faulty policies?

I dont know how many of my educated country think of these things. What I feel really painful is I cant bring this out for discussion in any open forum. I cant question Mr. PM on why he feels such things are necessary. Doesnt he feel ashamed to talk to US now. Hasnt it treated India as a substandard ally? Why should India position itself so close to them? We have alienated Iran in the process. India policy is no longer independent. Its a skewed policy aligned with the US, which aligns itself with Pakistan more than India.

And tomorrow, we will have US signing a nuclear pact with Pakistan without any restrictions and that would the stab in the heart required for India. I believe, even them Mr. PM will think I have done the right thing in my life. God save my country!!

kitna pyar karun?

Hmmm, I just logged in to post the words that my love had to say -

‘yeh pyar bhi dil me ajeeb kash jagata hai,

har pal dilbhar ki baaho me guzarna chahta hai,

har lamha unhe pyar karna chahta hai,

na chahte hue bhi kuch duriya rakhna chahta hai’

‘jaan se bhi zyaada pyare ho saman,

saaso se bhi zyaada kareeb ho jaman,

kaise bataye kitna pyar karte hai,

shayad jitna chand apni chandni se ya machli pani se karte hai’

Do you??

Well, I wanted to write this down because this is just going on and on in my heart. I love that person soooooooo much that I cant express in words. Whenever i try to think about that, I am overcome with so much emotions that I dont know what else to say.

All that I pray everyday is to live with her every moment of my life. All this depends on one central thing – approval from her parents. She has given herself to me and I have given myself to her. All that I want now is to hold that hand all my life and live together. To live every moment of my life with that person. I know we are totally different from each other, totally from 2 different cultures and from entirely different backgrounds. But I have loved that person and as I held her hand I prayed to God to let me hold her hand all my life.

I cannot imagine even in the wildest of my dreams to spend such moments with anyone else. I will better not marry if her parents disapprove. I will live alone and away from my family till all pressures settle down. I sincerely wish God does something and brings us together. I know we will have a tough time, but its those times that brings us very close to each other. And she is a young girl who is learning. And I will teach her and she will teach me. And we will learn all things together in life.

Swami, please help me lead my life with her. Help us make the best efforts and proper decisions in life. I only pray to you to show me the right path and help both of us get married. I see YOU in her Swami. She is my life, my God now. Please make her parents understand my dear Lord. Please do something that will bring us close to each other.

I really wonder how far this life and love has brought me. Swami, is this all your play??

My sweety says this

“Phulo se pucha maine ke kahan gayi tumhari muskurahat,

Hawa se pucha maine ki kahan gayi tumhari mehek,

chand se pucha maine ki kahan gayi tumhari chandni,

sab ne kaha woh kisi k aane ki tayyari me masroof hai,

kisi k aane k liye hum sab itne khush hai ki khud ko hi bhul gaye hai!!!”

Shers!!!!!

“chand ke saath jaise hamesha chandni rehti,

phulo ke saath jaise hamesha khushboo rehti hai,

is hawa ke saath vaise hi hamesha aapke liye meri care rehti hai”

Another:

“sitaro ki khubsurat si duniya me kisi ka intezaar hai,

chand ki chandni bhi kisi ka dedar ke liye betaab hai,

yeh thandi hawa bhi akeli tanhayi me madhosh si hai,

shayad sab aapke khawab ko sajane ke liye bechain hai”

Another one:

“Is pal me kuch khayalo ka sehlab ke aane ka ehsaas hua,

bahut khushi ke saath hi thode se gham ka ehsaas hua,

rab se unki khushi ki dua kar rahe hai,

dur hone ke saath hi kareeb rehne ki izazat mangte hai”

pointer to issues

Well,  I wanted to note down one of the most silliest bugs I have done in my coding. I started off my code thinking that I will create a array of string pointers and allocate memory for each string dynamically. I did my coding initially with that assumption and everything was working fine. Now, as time passed I had forgotten that i had started off that way and started assuming that I had declared a char pointer of fixed length.

And the size was declared to be 355. So, basically this array could hold 355 strings. I did my entire code assuming that I am handling an array of string pointers but overlooked the basic declaration where I had declared it to hold 355 records. So, what happened was at one point of time the code had to handle more than 355 recs and my code was going for a toss. I didnt do the stress testing and this didnt come up in the Test Env. It came up once but I was looking for the issue elsewhere.

Then I had to come to the client place to Mexico to support the go-live and the code bombed. Imagine the client sitting on top of your head and you had to deliver and had none to reach out to. And not one issue but ‘n’ number of issues. I was thinking and working for about 30 hours without going anywhere near the solution. I had already sent a SOS to my manager at India and at Mexico and we were trying to reach out to different people. Then finally one of the client techie questioned me why I had declared it that way. And asked me to recheck. I did a quick recheck and changed the size of the constant and lo!! the code worked.

I cursed myself for this blunder. But sometimes this is how you learn. And I can never ever forget this in my life. It gave me a good teaching of all the loopholes that you should expect in a code. And the importance of quality reviewing. And good testing too!!! Finally one correct question saved the day for me and the client as well. The code is working fine now and I can do a lot of tweaking now to increase performance. But, the biggest of blunders at the least unexpected place, just because you forgot to look at the header file for the size. I am such a moron!!!!

Strange Dreams

I had these 2 dreams yesterday which I remember very vividly as it involves the 3 girls whom I have thought about a lot!

The first one was -

“I am in Jammu. Harsh calls up to meet me. I go to railway station to pick her up. Ashok anna called me there to send some money to Sai akka. Payal is with me. Harsh comes with me in a car and starts talking general things. Payal stops car and asks what exactly is the reason for her coming now. Harsh says she is back from onsite and she is in need of money. She is not happy with the pay here having gotten used to the pay there. She has come to meet me for money or job, I don’t know. I start feeling her statements are hollow. Payal is silent through out. I am trying to convince Harsh to make her accept the reality. I can clearly see that Payal is pissed off. Can also see my friend – Raja, sitting in car and eating. And before Harsh can ask or say anything I get up.”

I got up from this dream and noted down the dream in my mobile. That’s how I was able to remember these many details.

Now, the second dream -

“People at home are searching for a bride for me. Since nothing is materialising, they ask me if I am interested in Janhavi – my uncle’s daughter. I say I have no problems. She is still single. We get married adhoc. No ceremonies and not informing anyone because Janhavi is working in my place. After marriage, I ask her we have to tell your parents and inform others too. Then I realise she was already married but is single now. I dont know what happened to her hubby. I talk to her very lovingly about our plans for the  future. I now realise that she works in Bangalore. I tell her to look for a plot or flat in Bang and me in Chennai. If something works out we will make an investment on that. She says ok.Then I tell her I liked a girl in my office – Payal, very much. She was such a special friend of mine. And  I was about to say something else next that I got up. “

This was really strange. I dont know why I should thing of a person who is already married and talk to her about my plans and this person. Oh God, please guide me Lord. What does these images mean?

Dreams!!

I just recollected my dream over the past 2 days and wanted to put it here lest I forget.

“I called this person up or she called me, I am not sure. We were talking about things and then I tell her dont increase your roaming bill. Give me a landline no to call or anyway you are coming back – so, we will talk that time”. This was the only thing that I remembered from the dream.

“My elder sister and mother were planning to go to the market. The weather was changing color rapidly. It was sunshine at this moment and completely cloudy the next moment. I told them to decide and better leave as they see the hint of sunshine. They leave carrying their umbrellas. Then I start my conversation with her. She seems to have joined TCS, I am not sure. I was chatting with her about something and then it starts raining like never before. The earlier moment I was at home and the next moment I am at office. I go near the window to check out the rain and see that its raining very very heavily. The clouds have descended on earth and look like inverted cones with various hues. It was just like the tornadoes that they show in movies. There was not one but many such inverted cones of clouds all bringing in heavy rain. I was concerned as my elder sister and mother had taken only an umbrella. And then I get up.”

I do not know what they mean. But just wanted to note it down. I wonder what they mean!!!

Coming back!!!

Yesterday night she sms’ed and said she is coming back on Monday and I felt like life coming into me again. Did I really miss her so much? I cant say. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Strange feeling. But, for the first time in my life, I wanted a person near me so much that all other things paled in significance to it. No matter it be the issues I faced at office or my plans at home. Nothing mattered more than wanting the person to be back soon. There is still another 1.5 days more for her to be back.

I just hope she is back safe as there seem to be a lot of problems at her place. Take care of her Lord! And help me understand myself and my emotions. My sis has started questioning me why I am so disturbed. How can I say that there are so many issues bothering me now? From Office to home renovation to my health and missing my dear friend. Oh God! Help me make a sense of my life. I feel being carried away in the drifts of this sea.

I am just wondering about all these!!!

Wondering!!!

I was wondering today why I am missing her so much. I shouldn’t feel like this. But, I end up feeling like this time and again. Every aspect of my life has been touched by her. And that’s the reason I feel I am missing her so badly.

And searching for a girl is becoming more difficult than searching for a diamond. I hope I really find a diamond. Even my manager was saying that why don’t you find a girl by yourself. I can find, but not all girls relate to me in a personal way. Since, I am professional with them – 99% of them think of me as only a serious professional. I can only unwind with a girl after some period of communication. And I am not the one to take extra efforts to impress a girl and get to know her.

Well, lets see. Life is not over yet. I dont have the person to share my feelings today. All this I can put in my blog or sometimes I do mail her. But, she will never know how much I am missing her. I was listening to Atif’s song repeatedly.

“Aaj dil dukha hai, tum yaad aaye”

That single line summarises how I feel when I think of her. Its ok Ranjith. Its the first time in my life that I am feeling like this. Have I really felt like this before? Let me think. No!!! I just cant recollect if I ever felt this strange for someone whom I hardly know. We know each other for only 2 months and it feels we have known each other for so long…..I just wonder…!!