Where do I start?? I am back to India and its a very different feeling. I have been living a very luxurious life there in Jakarta and its taking some time to get used to this life. I will manage.
Now, the main purpose of this is to post what my sweety wrote to me -
“aapki khamoshi le leti hai jaan humaari,
aapki kami rol leti hai dhadkan humari,
aapki saath se hi mukamal hai duniya humari,
aap sang nahi to jeene ki aas mar jayegi humari”
Some of my sweety’s creations -
“yeh zindagi itni bechain kyoun lag rahi hai,
unke saath kiitni chahat kyoun hai,
har saans me unki hi khushbu kyoun mehak rahi hai,
shayad mere dil me unki dhadkan hai jo mere pyar ki kashish ko aur bhi bada rahi ahi”
***
“raat andheri hai par saath aapke mere pyar ki cahndani hai,
raahen bhi mushkil hai par saath aapke har kadam pe mere rab se mili duayen hai,
Zindagi shayad kabhi tanha lage par saath aapke har pal me mera saaya hai,
Duriyaan bahut lag rahi hai par saath aapke hamesha hum dhadkan ki tarah aapke dil me rehte hai”
I feel I have become crazy about that person…I spend my entire day imagining things with her, talking to her and wishing she was near me. I am starting to see her in my life as part of me rather than separate from me. I hope God brings both of us together in this lifetime. I cant imagine a life without her.
Actually, I was wondering what to name this post?? What should I name it?? What I am going to write about? What I am going to put here…
First thing, that I want to out here is that the previous post that I wrote was so immature and inaccurate. I dont understand a girl and that was seen in that. I dont yet truly know that person in totality and that was the result. She is such a sweet person, sweeter than sugar and sweeter than the word sweet itself!!
We both love each other, thats for sure. She is really concerned about her parents and her extended family. So, I have decided on one thing. If we can convince her parents and arrange the marriage, well and good. If not, there are 2 options. If she really wants to live with me ready to make a sacrifice for a few months, I want to marry her and settle down in a new place. If she is not ready to take that step, I will lead my life in her thoughts. I wont be a Devdas of sorts, but this life will be for her.
I left my country and now I feel so much pain. She filled me up entirely. All my passions were regulated by her. Now when I am without her presence here, I feel misled by my passions. I wont let them take me away this time. I love her, really love her a lot. I want to be with her, through all things. I want to be with her through all good, all bad, all success, all failures and every season of this life. I know life wont be the same without her. And I already feel that. Oh my dearest, lets live together in this life…..
That remains a hope, a hope that I want to burn brightly and illuminate the path we might need to take. I now understand the meaning of love, what it means to love someone…
I had a long discussion with the only love of my life. I am still not sure if she loved me or had any feelings. I feel so bad. Really worthless of living now. Really hurt, really low and really sad. I wont cry. Crying will make me forget that I really loved someone and that it hurts if you do it again. So, I wont cry. And I will never love anyone else again. I feel I made a big mistake. I dont know what makes her not to take risk in her life. I dont know if she has some bad experiences or its just her attachment towards her parents and relatives that make her take this decision.
I cant understand why. I dont want to understand now. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel bad. I dont want this to affect her. I will remain happy for her. She is a young girl and hope she lives a good life. And I really pray she is happy wherever she is. I am so much wanting to go to Indonesia now. I want to forget. For the first time in my life I loved someone and she just goes out of my life without any reason. Only if she had told me she doesnt like me and that she is looking for someone better, it would have made sense to me. But, she cant decide. She cant make a decision about her life.
She values her parents most. I know her totally and am happy to accept her totally. Accept her just like she is. Her childishness, her shortcomings, her anger, her indecisiveness, her parents, her relatives and her life. She thinks that since I am not from her place, it wont work out. Just because I donot know how to communicate with her parents. Just because we both are from extreme ends of the country. Would that be a reason? I dont think so. I feel she doesnt want this relation to develop. She is afraid she might go against her parents if it happens. She is ready to sacrifice choices for her parents.
It will take a long time for this wound to heal. I cant accept any other girl in my life. And I wont do justice to the other person. I will remain just like I am. I will learn to divert my energies to useful pursuits. And she will get married happily. And have kids. I didnt notice any sadness when she said that. Thats when I realised she doesnt like this relation to continue just because she is not interested. All the reasons that she gave me felt superfluous. Ok Ranjith. Your love is rejected for the second time in life. Dont love anyone. Be true to your friends. Thats enough.
I am not able to control my emotions. I wont allow myself to be carried away by this event. I never desired a family. And these 2 years of my life have shown that I dont deserve it. I really deserve to live alone for what i have done in my life. I have hurt so many people. I really deserve it. I am such a sucker. I should have known this would happen. Oh God! Why do I make these mistakes in life?
I am thinking how to get over this. I love her so much that I cant stop talking to her. I cant remain away from her. And I cant be near her. I cannot take her out of my life. And she wont be part of my life also. Hmmm, wish I lived my life all screwed up. I wouldnt have known these feelings. I really wonder what I am upto in my life.
I didnt know till now that how difficult it would to get over a rejection. And in my case the rejection is very subtle. I never really loved anyone with all my heart. Now I love someone with all my heart and she doesnt think the same way. I am really not sure what is on her mind, but she doesnt feel that this relation can be sustained. Or she doesnt feel the same way about me.
I am hurt. I cant think straight now. So, I felt I will blog to see if I can get my thoughts right. But this has made me decide one thing – never to love anyone truly. Thats because you are prone to get hurt totally. Its hurting me at the very core of my being. Its hurting me totally. I have to divert my attention to work to get out of this. I wont be able to get off this alone. I need help. And I cant tell all this to anyone else. So, I am seeking out this blog.
The funny part is the first person I think for help is that girl again. She is a real sweet person. But its hurting. I wont be myself anymore, thats for sure. Atleast let me be the same with her. She has made my heart her home, so it will be very difficult to forget her.
I should have never allowed this to happen. Now, why did I? I dont know how this happened. I was careful from the very beginning about not getting hurt again. Why did I open up myself so much? Why did I love anyone so much? I should not. I should not have allowed myself. But I did. And now, I wont.
I better stay single all my life. I cant bear a rejection once more. Its not quite rejection – its like your life never gives you what you desired. When you find someone whom you love very much, the person thinks otherwise. I have not been so close to my family too like this. She knows more about me than anyone else. Have I made a mistake to love someone. May be yes. I wont do that. I wont repeat this mistake.
Its really a mistake to love someone truly and find yourself getting hurt. I never desired her. Did I? I loved her from my heart. For the first time in life, I loved someone. And life tells me, you are not worthy for it. Ok. I might have done wrongs in my life. May be I have to bear such things for that.
Who else will understand this pain. I am starting to act at work and at home. Who will know what I am going through. Why did I let this happen to me again? Why do I ever think about love? I should stay the same way as I was. Just be emotionally unattached to everyone. Thats the best way to lead this life. I think I should be like that. To love, to care and to feel is showing me a world full of pain. And I am the one who gets hurt the most in such cases.
I have to get over this now. No point stuck at the same place. I am hurt because I opened my heart to others. May be I should close myself to such things. Then I would never experience such things. I made a conscious decision in my life to open my heart and understand. But this hurts. Its hurting me as I write this. I dont know what to do and whom to seek help from. I am like a lost child in a crowded street! God help me!!
Actually, these days I have started questioning myself if Software is the job that I am suited for. I am not really motivated these days to any work. I feel a complete lack of interest in my work and this leads to a complete lack of interest in my life as well. I am not sure exactly why but this is what it seems to be. Even in Mexico, I had passing thoughts of what exactly am I supposed to do in my life. I dont feel I can just keep working like this. I really hate this kind of work. Or am I starting to hate it, I do not know. I hope I get to know what it is.
I just sincerely hope that I get some good gifts for people back home. I still donot know what to buy. I hope I find something. I only wish I spend my life with the people who love me and the people I love. I hope god understands what am I going through in my heart. I find very difficult to deal with it on a day to day basis.
Well, finally my Mexico trip materialized and here I am in Tijuana, Mexico blogging from office. The trip was the lengthiest air trip in my life till now. I was on air for 24 hours. Its just the travel time. And the total time of the entire trip came to around 44 hours. Amazing experience in itself. I realised the need for catching up with essential sleep whenever possible. And the total time whenever I was not asleep, it was that sweet person who occupied my thoughts.
I dont for what we got to know each other but we feel such a closeness with each other that it is becoming difficult to think of anything else when she is on my mind. And the good thing is it never affects my work. So, I know its not desire but much more than that. She has brought the feeling of appreciating the small things in life which I never acknowledged.
When looking at the trip now, I felt that there was someone with me all through. I knew God was with me all through and I also wondered if she is my God now. Its just a passing thought. I saw the movie – Iron Man on that plane and it was nicely done. I appreciated the concept. And the air of Mexico is very much like India. Only the people and the language was a different and it is less populated. That gives it a big advantage in the fact that many of their cities can be planned. I realised that it needs to start happening in India too.
And I got good company all through the trip. Amsterdam was good in the sense that people there seemed to have a sort of self-discipline. May be thats a part of a developed country’s psyche. My country really lacks it and I can see that Mexico also lacks it. Its a bottleneck for growth.
My body is yet to get used to the different timezone. I was alone in Chennai and am alone here. But it is she who is giving me company with her thoughts and her childish statements and words. And the care she shows. She is a real treasure that I will experience all my life. Its just that wish to be with her always that comes up strongly when I think of her these days. Well, like she says always let me enjoy the life in the journey. Thats also sweet. Very sweet indeed.
The urge to change is high when around her.
I couldnt take many snaps while coming to this city as I was very very tired. I think Mexico offers a few options for vegetarians and I am enjoying it for the moment. I hope I get to know the various tasted of Mexico before the end of the trip. The people here are very friendly and just like India. Thats what I liked much about this place. I think the culture values also would be similar. I strongly feel that.
I have a lot to write but my tiredness is clouding my mind. I cannot put down to paper what i feel for her. We communicate without words about our feelings, so it shouldnt matter too.
I am really sad these days. There are a number of good things happening, but still I am sad. The reason is that I am starting to realise what I like from my heart is not going to be mine. Normally I dont ask things from God. I only ask for guidance, but in this case I had prayed to God. If I really deserve, then so be it.
But you know the pain of losing something you desire. The pain that the person whom you love so much from the heart will move away from you. The pain that the person whom you consider your own inner self doesnt feel that way. The pain that one day you have to compromise in your life just because you did not get a better timing in life. The pain that life wont be the same without her. All these things outweigh every other good thing that has been happening of lately. Anyone else in my position would have been carried away in happiness by what happened. But here I am feeling I am sinking into the sea.
May be I should not think of such things. May be I should not let desire take root in my heart. I only wish her happiness, wherever she is. I now realise the pain that you feel when you know that the person you love will no more be with you. It hurts. It hurts at the very core of your being. But what I have learned is if you love, you should be ready to lose. If you love, you should be ready to get hurt. If you love, you should be ready to sacrifice anything, including your love for your love. I dont know what else to say now. My heart is heavy!!!
