I had a long discussion with the only love of my life. I am still not sure if she loved me or had any feelings. I feel so bad. Really worthless of living now. Really hurt, really low and really sad. I wont cry. Crying will make me forget that I really loved someone and that it hurts if you do it again. So, I wont cry. And I will never love anyone else again. I feel I made a big mistake. I dont know what makes her not to take risk in her life. I dont know if she has some bad experiences or its just her attachment towards her parents and relatives that make her take this decision.
I cant understand why. I dont want to understand now. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel bad. I dont want this to affect her. I will remain happy for her. She is a young girl and hope she lives a good life. And I really pray she is happy wherever she is. I am so much wanting to go to Indonesia now. I want to forget. For the first time in my life I loved someone and she just goes out of my life without any reason. Only if she had told me she doesnt like me and that she is looking for someone better, it would have made sense to me. But, she cant decide. She cant make a decision about her life.
She values her parents most. I know her totally and am happy to accept her totally. Accept her just like she is. Her childishness, her shortcomings, her anger, her indecisiveness, her parents, her relatives and her life. She thinks that since I am not from her place, it wont work out. Just because I donot know how to communicate with her parents. Just because we both are from extreme ends of the country. Would that be a reason? I dont think so. I feel she doesnt want this relation to develop. She is afraid she might go against her parents if it happens. She is ready to sacrifice choices for her parents.
It will take a long time for this wound to heal. I cant accept any other girl in my life. And I wont do justice to the other person. I will remain just like I am. I will learn to divert my energies to useful pursuits. And she will get married happily. And have kids. I didnt notice any sadness when she said that. Thats when I realised she doesnt like this relation to continue just because she is not interested. All the reasons that she gave me felt superfluous. Ok Ranjith. Your love is rejected for the second time in life. Dont love anyone. Be true to your friends. Thats enough.
I am not able to control my emotions. I wont allow myself to be carried away by this event. I never desired a family. And these 2 years of my life have shown that I dont deserve it. I really deserve to live alone for what i have done in my life. I have hurt so many people. I really deserve it. I am such a sucker. I should have known this would happen. Oh God! Why do I make these mistakes in life?
I am thinking how to get over this. I love her so much that I cant stop talking to her. I cant remain away from her. And I cant be near her. I cannot take her out of my life. And she wont be part of my life also. Hmmm, wish I lived my life all screwed up. I wouldnt have known these feelings. I really wonder what I am upto in my life.
