Wonder why??

I had a long discussion with the only love of my life. I am still not sure if she loved me or had any feelings. I feel so bad. Really worthless of living now. Really hurt, really low and really sad. I wont cry. Crying will make me forget that I really loved someone and that it hurts if you do it again. So, I wont cry. And I will never love anyone else again. I feel I made a big mistake. I dont know what makes her not to take risk in her life. I dont know if she has some bad experiences or its just her attachment towards her parents and relatives that make her take this decision.

I cant understand why. I dont want to understand now. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel bad. I dont want this to affect her. I will remain happy for her. She is a young girl and hope she lives a good life. And I really pray she is happy wherever she is. I am so much wanting to go to Indonesia now. I want to forget. For the first time in my life I loved someone and she just goes out of my life without any reason. Only if she had told me she doesnt like me and that she is looking for someone better, it would have made sense to me. But, she cant decide. She cant make a decision about her life.

She values her parents most. I know her totally and am happy to accept her totally. Accept her just like she is. Her childishness, her shortcomings, her anger, her indecisiveness, her parents, her relatives and her life. She thinks that since I am not from her place, it wont work out. Just because I donot know how to communicate with her parents. Just because we both are from extreme ends of the country. Would that be a reason? I dont think so. I feel she doesnt want this relation to develop. She is afraid she might go against her parents if it happens. She is ready to sacrifice choices for her parents.

It will take a long time for this wound to heal. I cant accept any other girl in my life. And I wont do justice to the other person. I will remain just like I am. I will learn to divert my energies to useful pursuits. And she will get married happily. And have kids. I didnt notice any sadness when she said that. Thats when I realised she doesnt like this relation to continue just because she is not interested. All the reasons that she gave me felt superfluous. Ok Ranjith. Your love is rejected for the second time in life. Dont love anyone. Be true to your friends. Thats enough.

I am not able to control my emotions. I wont allow myself to be carried away by this event. I never desired a family. And these 2 years of my life have shown that I dont deserve it. I really deserve to live alone for what i have done in my life. I have hurt so many people. I really deserve it. I am such a sucker. I should have known this would happen. Oh God! Why do I make these mistakes in life?

I am thinking how to get over this. I love her so much that I cant stop talking to her. I cant remain away from her. And I cant be near her. I cannot take her out of my life. And she wont be part of my life also. Hmmm, wish I lived my life all screwed up. I wouldnt have known these feelings. I really wonder what I am upto in my life.

Shers!!!!!

“chand ke saath jaise hamesha chandni rehti,

phulo ke saath jaise hamesha khushboo rehti hai,

is hawa ke saath vaise hi hamesha aapke liye meri care rehti hai”

Another:

“sitaro ki khubsurat si duniya me kisi ka intezaar hai,

chand ki chandni bhi kisi ka dedar ke liye betaab hai,

yeh thandi hawa bhi akeli tanhayi me madhosh si hai,

shayad sab aapke khawab ko sajane ke liye bechain hai”

Another one:

“Is pal me kuch khayalo ka sehlab ke aane ka ehsaas hua,

bahut khushi ke saath hi thode se gham ka ehsaas hua,

rab se unki khushi ki dua kar rahe hai,

dur hone ke saath hi kareeb rehne ki izazat mangte hai”

Hurt

I didnt know till now that how difficult it would to get over a rejection. And in my case the rejection is very subtle. I never really loved anyone with all my heart. Now I love someone with all my heart and she doesnt think the same way. I am really not sure what is on her mind, but she doesnt feel that this relation can be sustained. Or she doesnt feel the same way about me.

I am hurt. I cant think straight now. So, I felt I will blog to see if I can get my thoughts right. But this has made me decide one thing – never to love anyone truly. Thats because you are prone to get hurt totally. Its hurting me at the very core of my being. Its hurting me totally. I have to divert my attention to work to get out of this. I wont be able to get off this alone. I need help. And I cant tell all this to anyone else. So, I am seeking out this blog.

The funny part is the first person I think for help is that girl again. She is a real sweet person. But its hurting. I wont be myself anymore, thats for sure. Atleast let me be the same with her. She has made my heart her home, so it will be very difficult to forget her.

I should have never allowed this to happen. Now, why did I? I dont know how this happened. I was careful from the very beginning about not getting hurt again. Why did I open up myself so much? Why did I love anyone so much? I should not. I should not have allowed myself. But I did. And now, I wont.

I better stay single all my life. I cant bear a rejection once more. Its not quite rejection – its like your life never gives you what you desired. When you find someone whom you love very much, the person thinks otherwise. I have not been so close to my family too like this. She knows more about me than anyone else. Have I made a mistake to love someone. May be yes. I wont do that. I wont repeat this mistake.

Its really a mistake to love someone truly and find yourself getting hurt. I never desired her. Did I? I loved her from my heart. For the first time in life, I loved someone. And life tells me, you are not worthy for it. Ok. I might have done wrongs in my life. May be I have to bear such things for that.

Who else will understand this pain. I am starting to act at work and at home. Who will know what I am going through. Why did I let this happen to me again? Why do I ever think about love? I should stay the same way as I was. Just be emotionally unattached to everyone. Thats the best way to lead this life. I think I should be like that. To love, to care and to feel is showing me a world full of pain. And I am the one who gets hurt the most in such cases.

I have to get over this now. No point stuck at the same place. I am hurt because I opened my heart to others. May be I should close myself to such things. Then I would never experience such things. I made a conscious decision in my life to open my heart and understand. But this hurts. Its hurting me as I write this. I dont know what to do and whom to seek help from. I am like a lost child in a crowded street! God help me!!

Am I?

Actually, these days I have started questioning myself if Software is the job that I am suited for. I am not really motivated these days to any work. I feel a complete lack of interest in my work and this leads to a complete lack of interest in my life as well. I am not sure exactly why but this is what it seems to be. Even in Mexico, I had passing thoughts of what exactly am I supposed to do in my life. I dont feel I can just keep working like this. I really hate this kind of work. Or am I starting to hate it, I do not know. I hope I get to know what it is.

I just sincerely hope that I get some good gifts for people back home. I still donot know what to buy. I hope I find something. I only wish I spend my life with the people who love me and the people I love. I hope god understands what am I going through in my heart. I find very difficult to deal with it on a day to day basis.

pointer to issues

Well,  I wanted to note down one of the most silliest bugs I have done in my coding. I started off my code thinking that I will create a array of string pointers and allocate memory for each string dynamically. I did my coding initially with that assumption and everything was working fine. Now, as time passed I had forgotten that i had started off that way and started assuming that I had declared a char pointer of fixed length.

And the size was declared to be 355. So, basically this array could hold 355 strings. I did my entire code assuming that I am handling an array of string pointers but overlooked the basic declaration where I had declared it to hold 355 records. So, what happened was at one point of time the code had to handle more than 355 recs and my code was going for a toss. I didnt do the stress testing and this didnt come up in the Test Env. It came up once but I was looking for the issue elsewhere.

Then I had to come to the client place to Mexico to support the go-live and the code bombed. Imagine the client sitting on top of your head and you had to deliver and had none to reach out to. And not one issue but ‘n’ number of issues. I was thinking and working for about 30 hours without going anywhere near the solution. I had already sent a SOS to my manager at India and at Mexico and we were trying to reach out to different people. Then finally one of the client techie questioned me why I had declared it that way. And asked me to recheck. I did a quick recheck and changed the size of the constant and lo!! the code worked.

I cursed myself for this blunder. But sometimes this is how you learn. And I can never ever forget this in my life. It gave me a good teaching of all the loopholes that you should expect in a code. And the importance of quality reviewing. And good testing too!!! Finally one correct question saved the day for me and the client as well. The code is working fine now and I can do a lot of tweaking now to increase performance. But, the biggest of blunders at the least unexpected place, just because you forgot to look at the header file for the size. I am such a moron!!!!