New place

Well, finally my Mexico trip materialized and here I am in Tijuana, Mexico blogging from office. The trip was the lengthiest air trip in my life till now. I was on air for 24 hours. Its just the travel time. And the total time of the entire trip came to around 44 hours. Amazing experience in itself. I realised the need for catching up with essential sleep whenever possible. And the total time whenever I was not asleep, it was that sweet person who occupied my thoughts.

I dont for what we got to know each other but we feel such a closeness with each other that it is becoming difficult to think of anything else when she is on my mind. And the good thing is it never affects my work. So, I know its not desire but much more than that. She has brought the feeling of appreciating the small things in life which I never acknowledged.

When looking at the trip now, I felt that there was someone with me all through. I knew God was with me all through and I also wondered if she is my God now. Its just a passing thought. I saw the movie – Iron Man on that plane and it was nicely done. I appreciated the concept. And the air of Mexico is very much like India. Only the people and the language was a different and it is less populated. That gives it a big advantage in the fact that many of their cities can be planned. I realised that it needs to start happening in India too.

And I got good company all through the trip. Amsterdam was good in the sense that people there seemed to have a sort of self-discipline. May be thats a part of a developed country’s psyche. My country really lacks it and I can see that Mexico also lacks it. Its a bottleneck for growth.

My body is yet to get used to the different timezone. I was alone in Chennai and am alone here. But it is she who is giving me company with her thoughts and her childish statements and words. And the care she shows. She is a real treasure that I will experience all my life. Its just that wish to be with her always that comes up strongly when I think of her these days. Well, like she says always let me enjoy the life in the journey. Thats also sweet. Very sweet indeed.

The urge to change is high when around her.

I couldnt take many snaps while coming to this city as I was very very tired. I think Mexico offers a few options for vegetarians and I am enjoying it for the moment. I hope I get to know the various tasted of Mexico before the end of the trip. The people here are very friendly and just like India. Thats what I liked much about this place. I think the culture values also would be similar. I strongly feel that.

I have a lot to write but my tiredness is clouding my mind. I cannot put down to paper what i feel for her. We communicate without words about our feelings, so it shouldnt matter too.

saddest thing

I am really sad these days. There are a number of good things happening, but still I am sad. The reason is that I am starting to realise what I like from my heart is not going to be mine. Normally I dont ask things from God. I only ask for guidance, but in this case I had prayed to God. If I really deserve, then so be it.

But you know the pain of losing something you desire. The pain that the person whom you love so much from the heart will move away from you. The pain that the person whom you consider your own inner self doesnt feel that way. The pain that one day you have to compromise in your life just because you did not get a better timing in life. The pain that life wont be the same without her. All these things outweigh every other good thing that has been happening of lately. Anyone else in my position would have been carried away in happiness by what happened. But here I am feeling I am sinking into the sea.

May be I should not think of such things. May be I should not let desire take root in my heart. I only wish her happiness, wherever she is. I now realise the pain that you feel when you know that the person you love will no more be with you. It hurts. It hurts at the very core of your being. But what I have learned is if you love, you should be ready to lose. If you love, you should be ready to get hurt. If you love, you should be ready to sacrifice anything, including your love for your love. I dont know what else to say now. My heart is heavy!!!

A long time

Coming back after a long time. Basically to put in all the wonderful sms that the sweet person has sent. Otherwise, I would end up deleting them from my mobile.

“Words cant express what I feel for you,

Its difficult for me to prove,

But I know my heart is true,

when I say I am lucky to have a friend like you!!”

“Apni dosti ke is fasaane ko hameshaa mehfooz rakhna,

in palo ko aise sajho ke rakhna ki jab bhi yaad aaye to saanse mehka jaaye,

aaj bhi dil ko sach ka ehsas tanha kar jaye,

par phir bhu rab se yeh guzarish hai ki yeh tanhayi bhi is raat ke andhere me kho jaye”

“har raat chandni raat nahi hoti,

har dost me aap jaisa baat nahi hoti,

lagta hai kuch acche hi karam kiye the humne,

nahi to aapki dosti mili na hoti”

“woh kho gaye kahi aaisa mehsus hua hai,

unhone humse unhe tanha chodne ka vaada liya hai,

dar to lagta hai ki yeh tanhayi unhe hum se dur na le jaye,

par lagta hai ki meri dosti aaisa hai ki unhe waha se vapis le aaye”

“apni dosti ek pyari kali hai jo sab se nazuk hoti hai par sab se pyari bhi,

phir socha ki yeh to woh khushboo hai jise

thamna chahe to hawa me kho jati hai par har pal saath bhi hai,

na jaane is manzil ka mukaam kya hai par

zindagi ka ehsaas raaste me bhi hai,

nahi saamne woh par

na jaane kyoun unke saath ka ehsaas bhi hai”

What have I done??

I don’t know what I did while coding. But I can see only blunders in my code. Oh God! Wont it ever stop. This is the first time that I feel so sick of myself and my coding. I am learning all the while of a guidance that is required at every stage. I needed it, but didn’t get it. And I was more than embarrassed with what I had to do. Shit yaar, itne mistakes abhi tak maine coding me nahin ki. I don’t know why I have ended doing such blunders. But I will make sure that I don’t repeat such things again. Its a good learning.

Strange Dreams

I had these 2 dreams yesterday which I remember very vividly as it involves the 3 girls whom I have thought about a lot!

The first one was -

“I am in Jammu. Harsh calls up to meet me. I go to railway station to pick her up. Ashok anna called me there to send some money to Sai akka. Payal is with me. Harsh comes with me in a car and starts talking general things. Payal stops car and asks what exactly is the reason for her coming now. Harsh says she is back from onsite and she is in need of money. She is not happy with the pay here having gotten used to the pay there. She has come to meet me for money or job, I don’t know. I start feeling her statements are hollow. Payal is silent through out. I am trying to convince Harsh to make her accept the reality. I can clearly see that Payal is pissed off. Can also see my friend – Raja, sitting in car and eating. And before Harsh can ask or say anything I get up.”

I got up from this dream and noted down the dream in my mobile. That’s how I was able to remember these many details.

Now, the second dream -

“People at home are searching for a bride for me. Since nothing is materialising, they ask me if I am interested in Janhavi – my uncle’s daughter. I say I have no problems. She is still single. We get married adhoc. No ceremonies and not informing anyone because Janhavi is working in my place. After marriage, I ask her we have to tell your parents and inform others too. Then I realise she was already married but is single now. I dont know what happened to her hubby. I talk to her very lovingly about our plans for the  future. I now realise that she works in Bangalore. I tell her to look for a plot or flat in Bang and me in Chennai. If something works out we will make an investment on that. She says ok.Then I tell her I liked a girl in my office – Payal, very much. She was such a special friend of mine. And  I was about to say something else next that I got up. “

This was really strange. I dont know why I should thing of a person who is already married and talk to her about my plans and this person. Oh God, please guide me Lord. What does these images mean?

Friendship Day

I wanted to wish my nearest,dearest and sweetest friend on this day and wrote a poem for her. She was the one I really missed truly, madly and deeply in my life!! Here it is.

Every single breath of mine,
Keeps asking me if you are fine,
Every single thought that arises,
wishes you lots of love and kisses!!!

My spirit longs for your company,
My heart playing a melodious symphony,
You have lighted a fire in my soul,
And have given me strength to march towards my goal.

I cherish every single moment I spend with you,
The minutes spent were so very few,
Every smile and every laughter of yours,
treasured in my heart and cleansed with tears!!

Wonder if we are born to be friends,
A sweet wish my heart sends,
No matter where we end up in life’s maladies,
We will remain as One soul in two bodies!!!

I hope she likes it. All that I have are words…And words are all that I have…

Dreams!!

I just recollected my dream over the past 2 days and wanted to put it here lest I forget.

“I called this person up or she called me, I am not sure. We were talking about things and then I tell her dont increase your roaming bill. Give me a landline no to call or anyway you are coming back – so, we will talk that time”. This was the only thing that I remembered from the dream.

“My elder sister and mother were planning to go to the market. The weather was changing color rapidly. It was sunshine at this moment and completely cloudy the next moment. I told them to decide and better leave as they see the hint of sunshine. They leave carrying their umbrellas. Then I start my conversation with her. She seems to have joined TCS, I am not sure. I was chatting with her about something and then it starts raining like never before. The earlier moment I was at home and the next moment I am at office. I go near the window to check out the rain and see that its raining very very heavily. The clouds have descended on earth and look like inverted cones with various hues. It was just like the tornadoes that they show in movies. There was not one but many such inverted cones of clouds all bringing in heavy rain. I was concerned as my elder sister and mother had taken only an umbrella. And then I get up.”

I do not know what they mean. But just wanted to note it down. I wonder what they mean!!!

Coming back!!!

Yesterday night she sms’ed and said she is coming back on Monday and I felt like life coming into me again. Did I really miss her so much? I cant say. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Strange feeling. But, for the first time in my life, I wanted a person near me so much that all other things paled in significance to it. No matter it be the issues I faced at office or my plans at home. Nothing mattered more than wanting the person to be back soon. There is still another 1.5 days more for her to be back.

I just hope she is back safe as there seem to be a lot of problems at her place. Take care of her Lord! And help me understand myself and my emotions. My sis has started questioning me why I am so disturbed. How can I say that there are so many issues bothering me now? From Office to home renovation to my health and missing my dear friend. Oh God! Help me make a sense of my life. I feel being carried away in the drifts of this sea.

I am just wondering about all these!!!

Bugs, Errors, Issues

For the past 3 days I have been faced with lots of bugs and issues in my code. I started to wonder if I really did the code well. There seems to be so many issues that were just left untouched during the review phase. The first mistake was ineffective self-review. I was tired by the time I completed the job. So, the review got screwed and I had to deliver it in a short notice. The next mistake was peer review didn’t happen quite well. And then the Unit testing.

I now realise that no matter how good the person is technically, the Unit Test should be done by some other person as the person who creates the code has a false sense of trust on his creation – his offspring. That’s what happened to me and the most basic of things were left untouched. God help me. I am just waiting on the testing being by the client end to resolve all the outstanding errors. Its a good learning experience for me. Its tough to acknowledge that my code is having so many bugs. But, Its good that at least now the issues are starting to surface. Otherwise, the entire code would have gone for a toss in Production.

I feel pensive through the night because I am unsure as to what can come through. But I am happy that my code is going through good testing to see it come out fine. That’s the good part and the best part is my learning from this. This is the first time I have actually worked in a Dev environment doing hard coding.

Kya bolun yaar!!

Well, I mailed her today saying ki I miss her a lot…Its true I miss her a lot. I hope she doesnt take it otherwise… When I hear that Atif’s song, my eyes are flooded…with her thoughts or with my emotions, I dare not say…