Ok. Today I became very emotional with the other person and was telling ki I want to see my relationship with her through out my life. I was not able to control myself and sent her sms which showed my emotional instability. She was mature enough to understand what I felt and gave me time.
I was pondering ki why did I over react? A similar sort of thing happened with my previous experience too. So, there was some flaw somewhere. I just had to put my finger to it. My friends had come but all the while I talked to them, I was wondering what went wrong and why am I like this? After my friends went, i took my bike for a drive in the rain. Atleast that would cleanse my thoughts…
On the way I was going through what I had done. Was it love or wanting to be in relationship with her or something else?? Couldnt get answers right away. On the way back, I felt ki from my early days I hadn’t known what was real love. I had undergone some abuse in my early childhood and that screwed up my emotions. I never revealed them to anyone. And I soon forgot about it. Externally I was a completely normal person but internally all my emotions were screwed. I really never understood them and never bothered to., as I was never expected to.
Now, when I first met a girl with whom I could talk freely, I completely misunderstood the relationship and spoilt it in six months. It took me another 9 months to get over the hangover. Now I know a girl who is far more matured emotionally and straight talking. She has helped me to understand certain feelings of my own. She has helped me realise that I am completely normal and she has helped me express my inner emotions. And what happened today?
The same old feelings raised its head and was about to spoil the lovely relation we shared. I liked this girl. Ofcourse, you like your friends. But to confuse that with a long term relationship of love was absurd. I messed up my feelings for her and suddenly she went silent. I knew I had made a mistake.
After pondering over, I felt that it was my fear of losing her that made me react that way. I felt that I may not be able to experience such care and affection in my life again and that fear triggered a set of emotions that went completely against what we felt for each other. I was almost indirectly asking her to marry me when in the reality, I knew this was absurd. But, I just couldnt control my emotions. And there are your friends and colleagues who always add fuel to the fire.
Why did this fear arise? It was because of lack of experiencing such love. The love I shared earlier was mostly based on responsibility and even if it was selfless, I never realised it as my heart was closed to such things. Now I am opening up and suddenly I am in an unknown territory with no help. And my emotions are like the wild horses that are just dragging me through the forests of this life. Fortunately, for me I found this person who is taming the wild horses to an obedient servant but with the same vigour. The horses are being given direction. I really thank God for making me know this person. Of course, I can never forget her jut like I cant forget to eat. Thank You once again Lord!! I would have never known what was in me if not for her.
And help us share this beautiful relation through out our life!!! I can quote a line from Kungfu Panda – “In life, there are no accidents!!”
