Some things she wrote because I had requested her and she wanted to do this. I asked why and she says it makes her happy. A child still!!!
“Is raat ki chandni me khud ko unke saath dekha,
Taro ki chadar tale khud ko unki baaho me jhumte dekha,
Aaisa laga ki is jahaan ki saari khushiyan mere daman me aa gayi,
par palke uthi to ehsas hua ki main ek haseen khwab me chali thi aur phir hakikat me laut ke aa gayi”
The above one started well, bt she lost direction and just wrote it because she wanted to complete it. That shows why the end got messier.
Now one more -
“Aapke palke jhuki to aasma me andhera ho gaya,
palke uthi to savera ho gaya,
aap to khud me is khadar kho gaye ho ki,
yeh bhi bhul gaye ki aapke ek jhalak se kitno ki zindagi chalti hai”
This one was quite good.
Apprehensive!!
Yesterday, I made a comment about her. It was something that just occurred to my mind when I saw the pic in gmail. After that I just carried on with my work. But that odd comment seemed to have hurt her and has put her in a lot of thoughts. She was wondering if I was thinking about her in such a lowly way.
It hurt me for she is one who has shown me that there is love in me that I can share with others. I hadn’t recognised it for long that I could. She has shown that I could. And how could I think such way. Actually, even the fleeting thoughts that occur regarding her are immediately put in their proper perspective. How could I think such and that too send her the same. It was the open relationship I share with her that makes me tell everything that goes on in my mind to her. When she asked me that yesterday, I felt really hurt at myself. For the moment I thought I shouldn’t love anyone so much that I say everything at the bottom of my heart.
But she was hurt. She had a reason to be. And so, I didn’t think much beyond that. She shouldn’t carry on this relation with such a bad impression about me. Fortunately, she asked. And I was really happy. I just cant imagine what could have happened if she hadn’t asked and I just carried on assuming it was the same. It wouldn’t have been the same after that. And I would have lost her. I would have lost her because I couldn’t keep my tongue and mind in check. Thank God! She asked.
Atleast the air is clear between us. I can talk to her in the same way I used to. But still all those previous bad experiences have set in a motion of caution inside me. I have lost many a relation because of communication gap. I dont want this to happen. At home, we are 4 persons within the walls. There are more walls around me wrt others at home. I am not open to them. Atleast I felt I could tell her everything that ran across my mind. I still think I can. I just pray to God to not let the subconscious feelings take over and distance mytself from her world again. I know I cant fall back. Atleast I donot want to take a step back. And Lord, please forgive me for having made such a blunder.