“Unke yaadon me dhub raha hun,
ye bhi na pata ki kahan ho raha hun ghum,
bas un meethe pal ki yaadon me din guzar rahe hai,
bhul gaya ki dil ki bhi hoti hai koi dhun”
These days just her thoughts are making me more and more despondent. I dont understand what my heart is telling me. My mind says that this is not good, but my heart doesn’t want to listen. At these times whose voice should I listen. I just dont know how to explain this feeling. I havent felt like this before.
I was wondering today why I am missing her so much. I shouldn’t feel like this. But, I end up feeling like this time and again. Every aspect of my life has been touched by her. And that’s the reason I feel I am missing her so badly.
And searching for a girl is becoming more difficult than searching for a diamond. I hope I really find a diamond. Even my manager was saying that why don’t you find a girl by yourself. I can find, but not all girls relate to me in a personal way. Since, I am professional with them – 99% of them think of me as only a serious professional. I can only unwind with a girl after some period of communication. And I am not the one to take extra efforts to impress a girl and get to know her.
Well, lets see. Life is not over yet. I dont have the person to share my feelings today. All this I can put in my blog or sometimes I do mail her. But, she will never know how much I am missing her. I was listening to Atif’s song repeatedly.
“Aaj dil dukha hai, tum yaad aaye”
That single line summarises how I feel when I think of her. Its ok Ranjith. Its the first time in my life that I am feeling like this. Have I really felt like this before? Let me think. No!!! I just cant recollect if I ever felt this strange for someone whom I hardly know. We know each other for only 2 months and it feels we have known each other for so long…..I just wonder…!!
Well, I am really missing someone. I cant say who. My day, my nights were all spent with that person. And now when she isn’t there, I am missing her terribly. I am happy there is no work that has come up today. Again idle time and some follow ups.
Why am I missing her? I never bothered about anyone in life. I really didn’t care who came and who went out of my life. But why her out of all the oddities? Oh my God! I keep rehearsing what I should tell her about this and about that through out my day. I realise now that she has made me see and appreciate the small things in life. I never ever felt dull at any point of the day due to my existence. I keep reminding myself to see those small things that she has taught me in her own way. She has become my nearest and dearest even without me knowing.
Oh God! Am I falling into some kind of trap or is it a feeling that has arisen genuinely!!! Guide me Lord!
Well, Today morning as I came back from the Gym I was thinking about her. I realised she has become such an integral part of my life. And I wondered if I can live without her. And this is the answer I got -
Yes, I can live without her , But
I would miss her sms,
I would miss her care,
I would miss her love,
I would miss her childishness,
I would miss her instructions,
I would miss her laughter,
I would miss her questions,
I would miss her answers,
I would miss her support,
I would miss her calls,
I would miss her understanding,
And then I realised I would really MISS her”
What else can I say??
Today the sweetest person I have known went to her hometown because her maternal grandpa had expired. The more saddening thing for me in this whole set of events was that she was supporting me through the pain she felt because of my silly emotions. I am such a sucker. I was caught in my own emotions when she needed me most. Oh God! Why did this happen?? And I had fun and slept and she was still awake. May be I could have shared a few consoling words with her. But, it was never to happen.
Actually, I am not moved by death. I didnt cry for my fathers death too. I dont know why. But I cant explain. May be I am such a stone hearted person. Dont know.
Never ever will I let such things happen again. Certain events happen so fast that we donot have control over it. I do not know how much pain she was under, for one of her sher that she wrote for me because I requested her told her emotions. I really felt bad.
The sher is -
“Zindagi ke rang bhi kitne ajeeb hai,
kabhi khushiyo se chamakta hua lal hota hai,
to kabhi ghum me jhulsa hua safed hai,
ghum ke is aalam me mann to bahut bechain hai,
par khud to sambhal kar hume jazbaato ke sehlab me unke liye ek kinara banna hai”
I didnt understand its contents in the first 2-3 readings. Only after sometime did I realise that the pain she had felt. Oh Ranjith! Ye tumne kya kar dala yaar….
And the entire day I wanted to say so many things to her but I knew she wasnt available. I had to keep my thoughts to myself. The first time I feel separation from someone reminds me of so much she means to me and my life.
Ok. Today I became very emotional with the other person and was telling ki I want to see my relationship with her through out my life. I was not able to control myself and sent her sms which showed my emotional instability. She was mature enough to understand what I felt and gave me time.
I was pondering ki why did I over react? A similar sort of thing happened with my previous experience too. So, there was some flaw somewhere. I just had to put my finger to it. My friends had come but all the while I talked to them, I was wondering what went wrong and why am I like this? After my friends went, i took my bike for a drive in the rain. Atleast that would cleanse my thoughts…
On the way I was going through what I had done. Was it love or wanting to be in relationship with her or something else?? Couldnt get answers right away. On the way back, I felt ki from my early days I hadn’t known what was real love. I had undergone some abuse in my early childhood and that screwed up my emotions. I never revealed them to anyone. And I soon forgot about it. Externally I was a completely normal person but internally all my emotions were screwed. I really never understood them and never bothered to., as I was never expected to.
Now, when I first met a girl with whom I could talk freely, I completely misunderstood the relationship and spoilt it in six months. It took me another 9 months to get over the hangover. Now I know a girl who is far more matured emotionally and straight talking. She has helped me to understand certain feelings of my own. She has helped me realise that I am completely normal and she has helped me express my inner emotions. And what happened today?
The same old feelings raised its head and was about to spoil the lovely relation we shared. I liked this girl. Ofcourse, you like your friends. But to confuse that with a long term relationship of love was absurd. I messed up my feelings for her and suddenly she went silent. I knew I had made a mistake.
After pondering over, I felt that it was my fear of losing her that made me react that way. I felt that I may not be able to experience such care and affection in my life again and that fear triggered a set of emotions that went completely against what we felt for each other. I was almost indirectly asking her to marry me when in the reality, I knew this was absurd. But, I just couldnt control my emotions. And there are your friends and colleagues who always add fuel to the fire.
Why did this fear arise? It was because of lack of experiencing such love. The love I shared earlier was mostly based on responsibility and even if it was selfless, I never realised it as my heart was closed to such things. Now I am opening up and suddenly I am in an unknown territory with no help. And my emotions are like the wild horses that are just dragging me through the forests of this life. Fortunately, for me I found this person who is taming the wild horses to an obedient servant but with the same vigour. The horses are being given direction. I really thank God for making me know this person. Of course, I can never forget her jut like I cant forget to eat. Thank You once again Lord!! I would have never known what was in me if not for her.
And help us share this beautiful relation through out our life!!! I can quote a line from Kungfu Panda – “In life, there are no accidents!!”
This one she wrote about her mom. She loves her mom. Of course, every girl loves their mom. But I realised it through her.
“She taught me how to walk,
she taught me how to talk,
she made me smile when I was crying,
she touched my head to take away all my worries,
she is my mom…wonder
if such days will come back when I will sleep in her lap
and forget all my worries of this world.
She gave me life but I dont know if I can return her atleast something our of this beautiful world she brought me in. I feel why cant I always be a kind and be with her” — She called this ’some mess made by ….’
“Unpe na jane itna yaken kyoun hai,
unka khayal bhi itna hasen kyoun hai,
har pal me unka saath ki kami kyoun hai,
suna hai pyar me sirf dard milta hai,
par woh dard bhi mitha kyoun hota hai”
I loved this one from her. She got inspired from a song. And took some of the words from there too. But her thoughts are very sweet.
“Aapki muskurahar phulo ko khila de,
ek jalak suraj ko chamka de,
aapki awaaz sunte hi koyal bhi gana chahe,
shayari ke lafzo ke jaadu se gulzar bhi fida ho jaaye”
This one she wrote after I sent her some of mine mixed with englsih words. I called it engsher. Mostly satirical and slightly flirty. I dont have mine with me. All of mine is with her. Yes, this is a pun but that is the truth too!!
Some of her creations -
“Rab se main mere jazbaat ko thaame rakhne ka sabar maangu,
is jehaan ko pyaar ki khushbu se mehkati rahu,
kuch log jo apne nazariye se is sab ko bura banate hai,
unki is nadaani ko nazarandaaz ka sabar ya unhe sabak sikhane ka jazbat maangu”
She wrote this after I asked her to write this. Someone had taunted her and was passing some comments on her personal life. She got pissed off and I had asked her to vent out her feelings through this. But by the time she wrote this she was already in a forgiving mode. So, I wrote one – a funny quote about how she would have actually felt at that time -
“Mujhe tang kiya aaj ek bandha a….h,
uski muh thod du – yahi meri khwahish,
aayega aur puchega mafi,
main bolun mere nazron me gir gaya – yahi hai kafi”
This is the anger she felt. I loved writing this for her.
Another one from her -
“Night has travelled its half way to give control to the day,
I am still awake waiting for my fairy mom to take me in her lap to let me sleep,
but i think she is busy taking care of someone else who is very dear to her,
she sent a message saying i am taking care of your dear friend,
so sleep well without my good night wish. Then I realised she,
is near you – so told her to take care of you and not to worry about me”.
One more -
“The darkness of night scares me,
Calmness of the night makes me feel very lonely,
Its coldness makes me feel that there is none to hold me close to his heart,
but then i closed my eyes and recalled all people who love me and care for me,
then night seemed to be inviting me to a dream world to meet those people,
you also come. Will see you there” – her good night wish.
Ok, Now after writing the earlier post, I had gone for a haircut. During that time, the only thought that was going on in my mind was why did i write the earlier post? Well, I wanted to see if writing down my thoughts provide me some clarity.
First, I like the person and do not want her to lead a life compromised. She should lead it to the fullest. Second, it might have been a very small time that we know each other but feel like as if we know each other for long and its just renewing some past acquaintances. Even when I met her for the first time, I had the same feeling. I haven’t felt it with many people. Third, we have shared with each other things that we dare not share with anyone else out of fear of either not being understood or being taken for a ride. There are certain things of your personal life that you never show it to anyone else. I have only not revealed one part of my life, that I want myself to forget, to her. Of course, I wont even reveal that to my wife.
Fourth, I have started seeing her as my support whom I can rely on at anytime. She understands, cares and suggests. Earlier, she used to give me solutions, now she suggests. That subtlety is something I love to see in a girl. Fifth, I feel so close to her mentally. I can feel like as if I can see her emotions that go up and down in her mind and heart. Its a feeling that cannot have any validation. God help me.
After thinking all these, I decided I should put it down here. For none should get an misunderstanding that I want a relationship with her. I do not mean that I never want. But just that we know each other for only 2 months and sometimes we end up making mistakes because our hormonal activity is strong and the resultant desire gets clouded as Love. I just do not want to make that mistake again. She is a mature person and she knows better. That’s why when it comes to emotions, I always let her handle that. I am too immature for that. But my only worry is she hides a lot of emotions. It was one of those rare moments the other day that she opened up and now she is closed. Her emotions are like the springs that you never know when the water can come??
I only ask you God, to show me the right path and help us decide what is best for both of us in life. I feel light now. Good that I decided to put it down.
