Mood swings

My mood swing is real bad today. I am not able to control myself. In the process, I have said something that has hurt my sister and my mom. Too bad. I am feeling completely down and lost. The feeling of depression. My work is going on. I have hope on you that you will help me out.

I do not understand this swings. It hurts all my relations. It hurts me more. But, no one understands. It takes me back to the same feelings I used to have earlier. Better to be alone at these times. Even while typing, I feel so much frustration. I will stop here. Its going overboard now.

Coding blunders!!

For the past 6 days I was thinking nothing else other than completing my coding for half of the work that I started on. Finally today, I have given shape to the code in a proper manner. The code works fine for various scenarios. For the past 3 days there were issues with the memory management. The program was done in pro*c. I started getting weird errors completely misleading.

Finally, one particular pattern emerged but still not repeatable. A single comment in a blog saved the day. It said, if you free up memory more than once, it could result in strange behaviors. On walking through the code completely, I was finally able to put my finger on the piece of code where I was freeing up memory more than once. Oh God! It took 6 hours of struggle yesterday to come to terms with this. And to think that I made this mistake at the very beginning of the coding – around 10 days ago.  Amazing. But finally, the day saved and we are on track to deliver.

One good thing during this hectic period was the completion of the registration activity. Finally, that particular piece of activity fell in place and got completed on Wednesday – 25-Jun-2008. It had its tense moments though. But still due to Gods grace everything went fine. And the biggest relief was that my uncle completely co-operated in this. I thank God for this. Thanks a lot Swami!!

And my relation with this girl is going on. She is such a sweet person at heart. One of the persons who doesn’t hold anything back from her heart with me. Just like a kid who tells everything to her parents, she tells things to me. She is doing this out of trust. Please help me maintain that trust through out my life. I wonder who the lucky guy who would be marrying her be? Time will answer. One thing with women is that when they care, they want to shape the other person activities – from the smallest to the largest. What they don’t understand is how to put those thoughts across!!

She is also in the learning phase. Slowly, out of experience she will learn to put forth her suggestions and ideas to people whom she likes. She hasnt written any poem for long. I am surprised. But she was held up with training and me with work. So, life was mechanical for some time. But, I wonder when we would take the relation to the next level. And what is that next level. I still wonder!!!!!

Heartbreaks!!!

It been a month of heartbreaks for my friends. One of my friend got strongly attracted to a girl in his office. She was clear that she is not going to marry him. But this sucker is always one of those, who cant control his desire. So, he was head over heels for her. Now she is engaged to another person. The stupid thing she is doing is telling this guy that she doesn’t like the groom. And this sucker thinks that she is giving him signals to think of something else. Oh God! Don’t let him do idiotic things.

Now coming to the other. This guy was a silent person and it was surprising to me that he got attracted to a girl. And he proposed and she accepted knowing very well that both are of different castes. Now, that girl calls him up and says my parents are not agreeing, so let us stop the relationship.

If any girl who says that to me, first i will try to understand if she is scared or afraid. If she is not I will see if she really means it and wants to end this. If she really wants to end it, I will take that hurt very personally. This guy was so broad hearted that he said OK to that girl. When i asked him why, he says I don’t want the girl to carry any left over feelings and grudges in her life because of him. Amazing. To be frank, I can never forgive the girl. That’s for sure. Before committing, she knew the risks. They are not in college to not understand the risks. Now coming back and saying this is just simply idiotic. I felt very bad and thought I should put it here. If anyone reads, please do let me know how would you react to this?

Wondering a lot!!

Well, Today half of the registration work got over. The other half is for tomorrow. I have been trying to take the suggestions of my uncle so as to build the trust that has been made low because of the fights that happened after partition. I have made sure that the document has visibility to both my sisters and my mother. People at home should be well aware of what is happening. Since, at my home its predominantly women, I give the maximum onus to them.

My work is pretty tight. I am actually in a post of bother. I have completed the work but some kind of feeling unsure in myself. Not sure why. I hope I test it well and give a very proper code. I have to incorporate my leads suggestion too. Let me do it the first thing tomorrow.

Actually, what has happened for the past few days is that people’s consistent chatter about the girl has caught on me and the mind went out of the way for the past 2 days. Its kind of generating possessiveness tendency which is very dangerous. I have known the girl for a very few days and already this mind is trying to spin tales. Come on Ranjith, how many more would you end up doing like this? See, she is an absolutely sweet friend. No doubt. Oh mind, listen! She is a good friend. She has her own life and desires and commitments. Don’t unnecessarily relate to her in a different way. Don’t get those desires of living with her into you. OK! Good….No matter what others say, no matter what passion you feel for her.

Until, I get a signal that she is really interested (which is again a desire you are putting forth mind). Come on! Why do you want to fall in the same well again. You have been getting plenty of allainces over the past 3 days. See, which girl you like. And get married.

The only thing that I desire God is to maintain this beautiful relation with this girl. Its tough to define. And it arouses a lot of emotion and passion in me. She has been the driving force of this relationship. Please help me stay calm and think clearly.

These were the things that I was wondering about. If I don’t put it here, the clarity is lost in the maze of thoughts that creep up in the mind. Sometimes, I feel if I feel strongly for a girl – should i tell her? If I want to tell her, what should I tell? If I am afraid that I will lose the relation, should I not?  All these things are somethings I wonder about whenever I see a girl and get attracted to them. These things are happening quite often these days.

Express yourself

This person expresses her thanks like this -

“This night is so cold but warmth of your care is shielding me,

The darkness is scary but your angels are with me,

Loneliness is trying to surround me but the wind is giving a feeling of you around me,

So, I am sending a big thank you with this message for giving me all these things”

Hmmm…I have always wanted to know about love and affection in my life. I couldnt understand it when my sister showed her love and affection. I really didnt understand it when my mother showed it to me. It really didnt matter when lots of my friends expressed it, but when she shows it – my heart just immedaitely responds without any holds. Its as if the flowing river that has been stopped by a rock, has broken the rocks to pieces and gushes forth in its quest towards the ocean. Such is the feeling i have with her.

Sometimes, I wonder what really life is teaching me through her – To know what it is to love, to show care and show affection? Today, I had been to my cousins place. His daughter is also another person who shows her love and it touches my heart directly. When I was holding her today, I felt I could spend the rest of my life like this for her. Is this bondage or love? I really wonder…..

Nowadays, a strange thought occurs in my mind. If the love that this person shows is so beautiful, how more beautiful it would be if this love is shared with the person whom I would be living my life with. Wouldnt this love protect me from everything in life? Wouldnt I sacrifice this world for this kind of love? I am short of answers. Its only questions that arise now in my mind.

Define Sweetness

Ok. Here is my wonderful question for all.

“How do you define sweetness?”

All of you might give me ‘n’ number of definitions. Eveything would be incorrect. The only answer to this would be to meet this beautiful person and talk to her, understand her & reciprocate her love and affection. Then sweetness is defined automatically. You just cannot define sweetness by words. It has to be experienced. See, even my words are limiting what I can say sweet.

Well, she has come up with on the spot composition -

“Is raat andhere tanhaiyo ka ehsas ho raha hai,

sab se dur hone ka gum sata raha hai,

Par chand ko dekh kar aap yaad aaye,

Aaisa laga ki hawa ke saath aap bhi hume milne aaye”

She has been not keeping well today. And this led her to feel homesick. And see how nicely she puts her feelings into this. And this is spontaneous. Not deliberated upon. I am capturing all her written ones here, so as to trace it back to her.

“I am so far, yet so near,

Its just the distance that separates us dear,

The bond of friendship that ties us together,

Let this be strengthened with love and care forever’”

Emotions

The last time I wrote here, I was on a high I guess – high on emotions and hormones. Some sense comes into me now. To think that I desire her itself was totally wrong. How could you Ranjith? You did the same mistake previously and repeating it again. Dont do it. Cherish this relationhsip. Treasure it. Dont think beyond what is not obvious.

Dreams

Today, this person had a dream where I had gone to her place and was staying somewhere. I was calling her up and shouting at her for some odd reason. She seems to have been really upset about it and comes down to meet me at my place. I am not there in my place. She tries to call me and my mobile is switched off. She feels bad and suddenly wakes up like from shock.

What could this possibly mean??

I have been trying to find out but no luck!!

Something to say

Well, the other day this sweet person found my blog and read through all of them. She read including what i had written about her. And finaly she surmised it one simple sentence – Its all normal. Hmmm, so this normal guy has been blogging about his uncertainities, his fears, his thoughts and feelings in to the blog. Why? Because he didnt have anyone to share his feelings with.Good Ranjith. You are a normal person. Did you realise that?

Actually, I cannot share certain things with this person too. For how can I say that I want to be close to her always. Not only the mental plane but also the physical plane. Its tough. I shouldnt desire that and shouldnt expect anything of that sort too. But, she is like a powerful magnet pulling me towards her. Is this intoxication(Nasha), I do not know. I hope I do not make any wrong moves here. I dont want to desire her to be with me. And I dont want to be without her too. Hmmm…Strange feelings…

I only wish that I have this relation with this beautiful person all through my life. Whether it is possible or not is something time can only tell. I have revealed some of my intimate actions to her. Oh God! Where I am heading to? Please help me understand her perspective too. I will end up being a big joker otherwise. I already have had one big bad experience. Yes. Now I understand. I am trying to make the same mistakes. Come on ranjith. Dont do this buddy. You have enough on your hands for now.

Well, work is going along fine. I hope I complete this work in a thorough manner. Help me Lord on this. And tomorrow we have planned the registration. Please help me complete it. And help me get this things related to the house set right. Please Lord!!

Letter from an angel

I was irritated today and told this person about it. And she responded with this beautiful mail. There were tears in my eyes as I read it. I want the people who read about love to read this and understand what love and care is. No one is my life has even said a something of this sort. And it really made me very emotional. I want to show the world this -

hello sir,

wats this nothing to cheer n al…. Don’t feel irritated.. Sometimes things r not in ur favour or u can say somethings wait for their proper time to get done. If u wil feel sad or irritated then it wil effect ur wrk n ur behavior wid ppl arnd. Which is not at al good,right? I

If u feel u can get irritated at any time at anyone thn concentrate only on ur wrk,don’t think abt any other thing.

N how cud u say u don’t hav anything to cheer abt LLL.. Abhi to main hu na.. Meri shaadi hone ke baad aaisa sab bolna.. Jus kidding..

Let me think abt changing ur mood for sometime..

Chalo we wil convert tht aditi song into some female version where m singing for u..

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa

This wil b a copied idea frm u.

So drop it.

Let me think ant samething else.

“Socho ki jheelo ka ek sheher ho, Jahan aap aur aapke sab pyare log ho,Har taraf aapno ki care or pyar ho,Hum sab masti kar rahe ho,Full time pass kar rahe ho,Jahan life koi tension nahi ho,Life chilled ho,aaisa sab visualise karo.”

Nahi na.. yeh bhi kuch interesting nahi hua.

Let me think more n try something else.

Chalo i wil write a small story for u. It goes like this…………………………………………………………………………………….

Once there was a small kid who is very cute,sweet kid but due to some conditions in his life he always used to be only in himself.He was very brainy n intelligent. Good at studies,Good friend but he always used to keep himself into a shell.He never allowed his emotions come out.He grew up n became a man. Helped his friends in every possible way,worked very hard but still never tried to come out of his virtual shell.God was seeing his this child.He was worried abt his kid.He thought of sending some angels to him n help him out.God wanted his child to be the best in every aspect of life.His elder sis,one friend of his in his wrk life took the shape of angels in his life. They helped him to giv shape to his emotions and make him best in this part of life.After tht God thought tht he shud send his best angel to make his life amazingly best so he sent me in his life.. N he became very very happy.But today god relaised tht his child is irritated so he told his sweetest angel to do something to make him feel better n try to get smile back on his face.So this angel tried to do something but she doesnt knw whether her method is gonna wrk or not. But she thinks tht she can definitaly bring smile back on his face….

Story continues but wil be narrated futher after some days.

Moral of the story til now:Life may seem very difficult but God is always there to help u in some or the other way.He wil either send some angels in ur life or show u the correct path.So dont b sad if things r not going ur way.Try to make it wrk in the way u want. U wil surely get success.

So smiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeee now…